How to become truly happy!

Are you chasing happiness? Did you find it to let it slip away from you again? Isn’t it weird how it always happens? You did your soul-searching and found the solution to happiness. You make a plan to obtain it. You execute the plan. Everything works out and you are happy for a while, but just like always, it doesn’t last. It is not that your life changes again, and something robs you from your happiness? Nothing is changing, yet happiness seems to go away and you feel indifferent again. How come this always seems to happen.

The solution is actually quite simple. What do you think happiness is? Most people probably think it’s about getting what you desire. Fulfilling some needs or finishing that project that you always wanted to do. Those people won’t be wrong, those things will give you happiness, but it won’t last. You will be content with your life, but the happiness will fade, just like the memories of the events that gave you happiness.

The ups and down of life is what creates happiness

You can see happiness as the roller coaster of your emotions. The more speed the more happiness. When the cart is being towed upward, there isn’t much speed, but there is a lot of anticipation. The same goes for happiness. Do you like working on a Friday just 1 hour before you get to go home? Probably not so much, but the anticipation to the freedom does make it more fun than on a Thursday.

Is it because you are more tired of working? Or is it because your body is in more need of a rest? Did you know that the roller coaster speed isn’t what it makes it exciting? The excitement is based on the G-forces you experience during the ride. The G-forces are the forces you feel on your body when taking corners. It is based on the speed of the cart and the sharpness of the corner. You will experience the same forces going fast into a long corner as going slow into a sharp corner. The only difference is the time it will take to finish that corner. But in most cases, the roller coaster will be designed so that every corner will feel just as long. So, in the end, it doesn’t matter how high the coaster goes. It won’t make the corners more exciting. Maybe it will make the experience take longer, as there is more height that can be turned into speed. But 5 short rides combined can be longer than 1 long. So the duration doesn’t really matter either. But still, the higher the coaster goes, the scarier it gets, right? That because the build-up takes longer. There is more anticipation.

That’s why the weekend is so much fun, you are looking forward to it for 5 days. Not because you are tired. If it was because of the fatigue, then nothing would change if you were to spread your working hours over 7 days instead of just 5. You will have worked just as much. Your free time will be during the week. You work a few hours less every day, but you do work in the weekend. Now your weekend will not be so existing. But your job will be so much worse. A never-ending nightmare.

Now your life changed from a roller coaster to a mary-go-round. You can think it is because it goes to slow. Fine speed it up, you will get nauseated before you get excited. Why? Because it is boring! No anticipation, no wondering what will happen next, no adventure. A roller coaster happens so fast that you can’t even think about what will happen next. You are too focused on what is happening now. No time for the future. A mary-go-round will give you plenty of time to think about the future and probably more about the past. Why did you enter that merry-go-round? It looked boring, and it is boring. It is exactly what you expected. The same goes for your life. If nothing changes and everything is predictable and comfortable then you have a boring life. Boring does not make you happy. It also does not make you sad or unhappy or sleepy. It renders you emotionless. You got what you wanted, and if you don’t go for the next thing, then your emotions will eat you alive, as they have nothing to focus on but themselves.

Beyond the metaphor

You need to put yourself into a situation that you don’t like. That way you will enjoy the situations that you do like, so much more. Everyone probably remembers the feeling of their first roller coaster. You step in all excited. The carts go up and up and up and then you come to the end of the climb. Then your mind comes to the conclusion that the next thing that is going to happen isn’t going to be fun at all. Your friends are jerks and lied to you. This isn’t fun at all. Then the cart goes over the edge and you gain speed and your mind goes numb. You are trying to survive that ride. Up, down, left, right and finish. It is over and you were just starting to get a hang of the situation. You were almost enjoying it. While you walk out the cart your mind comes back and start screaming “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!”, then your storage starts screaming “The hell was that all about?!”. You are full of adrenaline and actually, like the way you now feel. You feel alive.

But what was the most fun part of the ride? What do you remember? You probably have some vague memories of the whole speedy thing But the sharpest memory is probably the moment that you are at that top and the cart would begin to speed up every second. Just before the action is what you remember the best. What do you think you would remember from a roller coaster that let you step in at the top and step out at the bottom? It will be like driving on the freeway. You go from point A to point B and you will see the landscape go by. You can do that for hours at the time. But how much do you remember from your rides?

Ever had that experience that you missed a part of the ride? The moment you can’t seem to remember how many freeways exits you have passed already. You go just as fast as that roller coaster cart, but there are no surprises. Everything that will happen has happened before and your mind goes wandering off. The same thing will happen with that roller coaster. If you know it by heart, then you can fall asleep it. Think that is crazy? Have you ever been in the car with someone that is learning to drive? That road never felt that dangerous before. Falling asleep is the least of your problems now. That learning person will put you more on edge than 10 liters of coffee. The reason is simple, you don’t know what that person is going to do, it is all a mystery.

It’s the animal instinct, not the human intellect

So anticipation of the good and the unknown/dread of the bad is what will make you happy. Not because it will put you on edge but because you know that it will pass. When it passes and you get to relax, you know that it will feel so much better. It like giving a treat to a dog. The dog is already happy before it got its treat. It knows that treat will make him feel good. The weird thing, however, if you sometimes behave like a jerk and not give the dog his treat. Then the dog will be even happier the moment he does get his treat. The dog, however, will not be sad to the same extent if it doesn’t get his treat.

It’s all about anticipation and the unknown. It will be like gambling, you win some, you lose some. In a casino, you will always lose your money. But if you bet with your happiness you will always win. Because losing your happiness isn’t that bad, but if you gain some. It feels twice as good and 3 times as good if you just won your happiness back that you lost with the last gamble. Do you think it is weird, look up how you can train a dog. At first, you use a treat and a clicker. The dog will link the clicker to the treat when it hears the clicker it knows it will get a treat. Later you stop giving the treat every time. Now the dog knows that the clicker might give a treat. Later on, you can use just the clicker without giving a treat. Just make sure that the dog still thinks it can get a treat when it hears that clicker.

It’s the illusion of getting a possible treat that will reward the dog. Not the treat itself. The same goes for people. It’s the illusion of having a happy weekend that makes working that last hour of the last working day so exciting. Even if the weekend ended up bad, you will still feel refreshed the first day of the week. (although not as much). You can blindfold a person and put him on a roller coaster and tell him he has 1 in 3 chance of doing the full ride and 2 in 3 of just going up and then going back to the start. You will see that he will be exited like he has 3 in 3 chances of going the whole way. Research actually says that he will feel happier if he hasn’t a 100% chance of getting what he wants.

Some real-life examples that actually happen

That is the game social media plays with its endless scrolling feed. Even in games, this aspect is present. Loot boxes are all about giving a reward that can be a real reward from time to time. But in most cases, you actually get something disappointing. Yet, people actually pay money to keep trying to get the real reward, even though they know they will be disappointed most of the times. If the loot boxes would give a real reward every time, people wouldn't actually pay money for them. It’s all about the gambling aspect. So the loot boxes are just like the dog treats.

The only thing you need to do is to bring that gambling aspect into your life. Gamble with your happiness. I don’t mean that you should YOLO everything. Just do things that you don’t know will bring you happiness. The more you are wrong, The more you will anticipate when you are right. The happier you will be when you are right. Just make sure that the ratio between being right to wrong is correct. Just make sure that you don’t mess up your life in the process. That would be the exact opposite of what you should accomplish.

Also, try to go for real happiness, not for the short-lived instant gratification that social media or loot boxes give. If it’s easy to get, then it’s easy to lose.