How I Pissed Off Rosie O'Donnell
When I was fourteen, I spent a semester at military school. Military school is a lot like if prison were combined with boot camp, and a slight educational theme sprinkled on top. Just an overall miserable environment, rarely did I find myself excited for anything other than sleeping and leaving.
One day, completely out of the blue, I start hearing rumors that Rosie O'Donnell is coming to campus, as she's considering sending her son to this shithole. I've always been a stand-up comedy fan, so all I knew of Rosie O'Donnell was from comedians ripping on her.
All day long, I kept hearing murmurs that she'd be arriving. I was in the hallway, walking to back to class from the latrine, when I see a peer of mine standing in front of the door to the admissions office.
"Uhh why are you posted here?", I inquire.
"Rosie O'Donnell is in this room", he replied.
The door is slightly cracked open, so I glance inside. Surely enough, sloppily plopped around what must have been a very sturdy chair in the admissions office, is the unmistakeable mass that is Rosie O'Donnell.
I realize immediately that this is an opportunity for me to get just a smidgen of irregularity in my bleak ass routine.
I join my colleague in standing by the door. After around 4 minutes, the bell rings. Within a few seconds, the hallways are flooding with cadets walking to their next classes. Like a stampede of wildebeests, students are coming from all directions. As soon as a few herds of cadets were in my immediate proximity, I decided to make things interesting.
"YO, ROSIE O'DONNELL IS IN THIS ROOM!", I announced to everybody.
As anticipated, everybody swarmed around the door, leaving about 10 feet of space between the door and the increasingly noisy mob of cadets. After around 2 minutes, the door opened. It was Rosie.
To this day, I don't know how she knew, but Rosie O'Donnell somehow knew that I was the person that had alerted the hoard of nosey assholes to her presence. She steps out of the door, radiating with fury. Immediately, her eyes find mine, glaring with the burning intensity of a twin tower.
It was as if my eyes were the source of all the anger ever spawned within her heart. Imagine that some guy has murdered the person you love the most, and now you're face to face with the motherfucker. The scorching stare of hatred you would give him as you lock into his eyes for the first time, is exactly how Rosie was looking into mine. I'm surprised lasers didn't shoot out of her eyes. Every moment of pain in her life, every frustration and every insecurity, was now being beamed directly into my soul. If you could make things explode just with your eyes, you would probably have to glare at them with the same glare Rosie gave me. It was like she was attempting to use the force. Her gaze was surreal with rage. Rosie and I were eye to eye for about 30 seconds, which felt like an eternity in Rosie hell.
To my amazement, she did not immediately pounce towards me and maul me to death like a grizzly bear. Instead, she wobbled backed into the admissions office, slamming the door behind her.
I never saw her again, and have since recovered from her stare.