“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ― Jim Morrison
PAIN
It's a funny thing really, isn't it!. There are so many facets to it. Physical pain, mental pain and then that "other" one... the one that is completely debilitating - "twisting your insides and leaving your chest literally aching for days, weeks, months and sometimes years – Emotional pain - yes... THAT one!
I think this is the one "type" of pain, which over the years, I have become somewhat "conditioned and weathered to" and therefore to some degree expect, feel - and simultaneously DON'T feel - all rolled into one.
I can remember a time in my life as a young teen and for many years after - leading as far as into my early twenties, when I found emotional pain completely paralyzing.
When my emotional world was in turmoil, I simply couldn't function on any other level. Everything else in my life ceased to be of ANY relevance until I could find emotional peace once again.
Life, Experience, Time and Age
- have taught me that if I was to continue down that road - putting EVERYTHING else in my life on pause for the sake of trying to control something that was ultimately beyond my control...I would never get very far in my own life and in the process, I would block out just about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that was of any good to me on a soul level.
Yes! I am strong, but YES - I feel pain. YES, I HURT! - I am not ashamed of it, why should I be?! I am human...
I am eternally grateful to have wised up to this fact!
It is not to say that is necessarily means that it is any easier to deal with... (the pain that is - whatever the cause) but what it does mean, is that even though I may still get emotional, or worked up... I have learnt when to let go...
To "switch off" - "disconnect" and move on!
People in general seem to have this very SKEWED perception that "strong" people don't need anyone... they are happy to "juice them for everything they are worth... manipulate their emotions and suck them dry... but when the "strong person" starts showing signs of cracking - they all turn a blind eye... like they cannot (or choose not) to see it because... WHAT ON EARTH would they do... without the "strong person!"
As I sit here right now, I have had an argument with my partner. One too many of late. We have both had a lot on our plate, but I have actually reached a point of having had... "ENOUGH". Does it scare me a little? Sure. Does it make me sad for the time invested? Obviously. - But I am READY! Ready to let go.
But... that is IT! I have disrespected myself and my value as an individual almost my entire life... for the sake of others...
Simply WAY TOO many times in the past but... NEVER again... because, I now know, that I actually DO matter - despite how ANYBODY treats me... belittles me, shoves me out or casts me aside....
I have come to realise that it is those that use people of strength the most are the ones that need people of strength the most...
and it is realisations like those...
that are the cracks, which let the light in!
“Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain.” ― Bob Dylan
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
