What if today was your last day? What if you knew it was your last day? How would you live this day? What would you do with your time? What would your thoughts be focused on?
What if today was your last day and you were severely depressed? How would this day differ for you?
Did you know that almost seven percent of adults in the US experience major depression and it’s estimated that over 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (WHO-World Health Organization stats)
My husband was one of the 6.7% of US adults affected with depression. This day, one year ago, was the last day of his life. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 2012 following a three-week involuntary committal. Then, diagnosed with SEVERE bipolar disorder type I during the summer of 2016. He experienced some pretty major highs and lows throughout his life.
Depression is the cause of over 2/3 of the more than 30,000 reported suicides annually. Dbsalliance.org states that, “for every two homicides committed in the United States, there are three suicides.” This is an alarmingly high number of unnecessary death! Sad, because it is also shown that up to 80% of these individuals, if treated properly, could have battled their depression.
Today is bringing up a lot for me. Good and bad memories, hard times and good times. I have years and years of events playing through my mind. I keep drifting back to what my husbands last day must have been like. We had been separated for six months so I wasn’t around to see his last days. We were also separated by a distance of 1400 miles. His illness had progressed to the point where the kids and I were no longer safe near him.
I received a text the morning of the 11th from my mother-in-law asking if I had heard from Jonathan (her son and my spouse) in the last 24 hours. I guess he had missed the previous check-in with her the night before. Shortly after this text, I received a call from the DA’s office to discuss the current pending felony charges against him. The woman in the DA’s office gave me an update on the case. She told me that my husband and his attorney had finally agreed to plead guilty and take the offer of five years of probation as well as enter a program where his mental health would be monitored for the length of the probationary period.
She then asked me if I have spoken with him recently. I told her I had tried to contact him earlier because his mother hadn’t heard from him for 24 hours. This really spooked the woman on the phone… She proceeded to tell me to change up my routine for the day, inform the kid’s school that he could show up, and firmly stated, "DON’T SLEEP AT YOUR HOME TONIGHT!" I told her that he is either on his way out here or he had committed suicide.
She was more concerned for my safety but told me to have his mom send a well check to our home in Texas. I knew he had either committed suicide or was going to commit suicide. What I didn’t know was whether he was going to kill me first. If he killed me, would he stop there? Or would he feel that it was necessary to take our two children with us? He had many personality traits that put this possibility into a pretty high percentage. Many of his past actions raised this likelihood as well.
Did you know that 75% of women are murdered by their significant other in cases where there has been choking/strangulation in the past? I didn’t know this until after we had been separated for a couple of months. I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had known. I hope that it would have but I can’t say that I would have done anything different over the years. Leaving an abuser is a process, sometimes a long one. If you have ever been in an abusive relationship you know this. If you are currently in an abusive relationship you know that you have to be in the right frame of mind to be able to walk away from your abuser.
The personality traits my husband possessed wouldn’t allow him to let me go… This also put me at a higher risk for becoming a tragic front page news story!
Another contributing factor I very recently learned, is that the likelihood of a spouse murdering their significant other increases if there has been recent violence toward a child or increasing violence toward a child.
I was scared. I was anxious. I was nervous. Was he alive? Was he on his way to Utah? Was he dead? What would I do if he walked through my front door?
Well, fellow steemians this is where I'm going to leave off today. I will resume this piece tomorrow.
Going any further today will just put me into a funk and I would like to avoid that. That and my kids are happy today. I don't want to be the reason that changes. My daughter just got home from school and my oldest will be home shortly.
So, until tomorrow! Thank you for reading!
*All images from pixaby.com