There will always be stuff we want and need to complain about in a relationship.
"Why do you work so late all the time"or "Why haven't you put the rubbish out?", "Why do I always have to cook dinner?".
These questions are often legit, but there are 2 ways to guarantee that calling out your partner will end in humiliation or hurt.
The first is bitterness - bitterness can be described as rage that is muffled by shame. We become bitter or sarcastic when we don't feel worthy enough to complain.
We feel we have to comply in some way or risk losing our partner so our complaints come out as:
"Oh another super busy day at work, again, " we say through a shaky voice or "So I guess I am cooking again because your hands are painted on??" we say through gritted teeth.
Our target knows we're pissed. But with this approach, we haven't managed to get them to see the justice in what we said nor have we made them feel sorry for not coming through for us. All we have managed to do is make them see us as a pain in the ass.
The second path that is just as bad is our friend fury. Such a great word.
We say nothing for far too long than explode in crazy unexpected anger over something really small. We let rip with 6 months worth of anger and open ourselves up for being called "Whoa your insane I was only 10 minutes late! Chill out."
It is not that 10 minutes that is the problem of course. But your target now feels justified in labelling crazy which only amplifies your stress.
The rage to us feels justified but instead of pointing out that your partner did a bad thing, you accuse them of being a bad person.
A much bigger crime than being 10 minutes late for dinner.
This, of course, lets them off the hook, it's not them it's you, you're crazy. They don't need to examine themselves, so instead of seeing you as hurt and wounded you become the 'crazy'one.
At the root of rage bitterness and fury is the feeling that we cannot ask to be loved by someone properly.
That we cannot ask to be treated kindly.
We don't complain well because we are so humiliated by our need to be loved and deep down feel that shame is what we should be feeling.
As you can imagine the way we feel with our partners is rooted in our childhoods. Maybe we were never heard as a child, an angry father or a depressed mother wasn't able to listen to our calm-voiced needs so we learnt rage, bitterness and felt betrayal instead.
It is hard to complain properly unless you belive that you have a right to complain in the first place.
Sadly our repeated failures to be heard in our adult relationships only confirm what we already believe about ourselves - that we are unworthy of being heard.
To complain with conviction means trusting that you will not be ignored. You are allowed to be unhappy and to tell you partner and have them respond with understanding and apologies. They almost certainly didn't do it on purpose.
You will need to start to work on trust by working on self-love.
Once you reliase that you can be heard then you can complain from a stable well thought out and calm place. Also if your partner fails to respond in a kind and thoughtful manner you will be self-loved up enough to walk away without turning into a bunny boiler!