Tomorrow morning at around 4.15am I will have completed my first 40 years on this fine earth.
This is big.
Because it means I've only got 10-15 years before I have to start planning for my mid-life crisis.
I've always been big on being prepared and organised, and I wouldn't want to start this whole mid-life crisis thing late and miss out on anything, so rather than wait for another decade I thought I'd flesh out the plan right now.
So, research is needed.
According to The Telegraph (always a good source of reliable information) some signs to looks out for are:
- Taking vitamin pills
- Taking out a direct debit for a charity
- Desiring a simpler life
- Going to Glastonbury
- Dying my hair
- Flirting embarrassingly with people
- Hangovers getting worse and lasting more than a day
- Getting easily distracted
- A sudden desire to play an instrument
Wait... what??
Holy crap!!
I seem to have started my mid-life crisis without even realising it!!
Quick!
I need some more information on how to deal with this right now! Right I shall turn to another most reliable source of information The Guardian
Fabulous, the good people of the Guardian have laid out a 10 point plan for people going through a mid-life crisis, which I shall put into practice immediately.
Here we go:
1. I must remember the alternative.
Hmmm not sure what this means exactly. They seem to be telling me that the alternative to a mid-life crisis is being dead - and I mustn't forget this.
Alrighty, I have added a daily reminder to my phone:
"Johleen. You are not dead."
Ok. Next...
2. I must not assume every cough is lung cancer.
Right, sure thing. So, I guess not presuming you're terminally ill is, I suppose, one way of getting all positive about your life. Doesn't strike me as particularly hurray inducing though.
Still. Another reminder has been added to my phone.
"Johleen. You are not terminally ill."
Next.
3. I must not have an affair.
Soooo... I'm confused. Is this just not advisable during the mid-life crisis? But fine at any other time? Hmmm, no matter, reminder number three added.
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Don't have an affair."
4. I must not worry obsessively about work
Ok cool. So worrying up until the point you get obsessed is still good to go. Very helpful.
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Only worry about work if it's not obsessive."
5. If I am thinking of therapy, I mustn't go in for analysis.
Apparently, if I were to go to therapy I would find it pointless, depressing and financially draining and get nothing out of it at all. Thanks Guardian!
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Any help you seek from professionals will result in you being financially and psychologically broken."
Got it.
Next.
6. I must not transfer my neuroses onto my kids.
Cool, but, again - this is just during my midlife crisis, right? Any other time I'm golden.
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Wait until mid-life crisis is over before transferring neuroses onto the kids."
7. I must not buy midlife toys.
Ooooooh!!! What toys are these? There seem to be some special mid-life toys that I'm not aware of. What if I've already bought them? How will I know? Are they labelled?
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Find mid-life toys but do not buy."
8. I must turn off my blackberry.
Apparently, my family would like the chance to ignore me rather than always being ignored. I don't really ignore my family, it's impossible - they're way too loud. And they live in the same house as me.
Anyway, I haven't got a blackberry so this point is void.
9. I must make time to go out
Gosh, I seem to be living in the dark ages. What are these contraptions with which I can make time? I think owning one would be a sound investment. I could make, say, an hour or two every morning and perhaps save them up to use in future. Awesome.
My daily reminder:
"Johleen. Keep a weather eye out for a time maker."
10. It will get better
It? Hmmmm. I think the good people are referring to the book It by Stephen King. I did enjoy it the first time round, but perhaps there is a special bonus chapter for us mid-lifers which is not available to the very young and the very old.
My daily reminder:
"Go and buy a new copy of It by Stephen King".
Ahhhhhhh. There we go.
Sorted.
I'm feeling better already.
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