Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways. Proverbs 20:30
Lord your have given us the pain, we have the will to change if only you will tell us the way. We won’t just follow you, we are willing to lead others. I will go out with the illuminated beacons and point the way for all, I will sing it from the roof tops, I will do anything but please lessen her pain.
I can take it when you challenge me, my shoulders are like an oxen’s happy to take a yoke and I, like them, will plough on but please I cannot watch her suffer. I know you love all of your children. I know that you only give us challenges to teach and strengthen us but now I feel weak not strong and I am watching her fall and flail with no hope of catching herself and each day she is a little closer to being out of reach.
The guttural, primal expulsions that she emits can barely be called screams. The face is of such agony and pure emotion it rips the heart right out of my chest. Her body contorting as her whole-body contracts in frustration as it try to exert physically on the body the emotion in the mind before her whole body convulses in wailing sobs only dying out as the mucous blocks up her throat restricting her ability to breathe.
What happened to incite such an extreme reaction from her? What tragedy befell her? What challenge did God place at her feet? Nothing.
Her own mind turning against her, defying her, refusing to function or participate, left no room for anything and tonight, a regular weeknight of no importance or significance it displayed its displeasure. I wish I could say I have never seen anything like it, that it was a one-off heart wrenching night. That she “cried it out” and felt better in the morning, but that would be a lie. It has been building for months, with daily fluctuations and different levels of self-awareness and acknowledgement, but slowly building.
Lord I am begging, please, show me the way so I can carry her forward to bathe in your healing light. Please give me the strength to care for her, the resilience to reassure her of everything I am afraid of, and the grounding to stay calm in the face of such suffering. Thank you for your strength and for your unconditional love that surrounds us each day.
Amen.
Til Next Time
All images CC0, Ian Espinosa, ninocare.