We all go through rough times in our lives and everyone has a different way of dealing with them. How we handle them and our outlook in every situation will determine if, whether or not, these trials make or break us.
When I was young, my father had become abusive because of his hot temper. The older I got into high school, the worse our relationship got. It has come to the point where I had to leave home when I was 20 years old. I remember when I was growing up and going through it all, I thought --
"Why is this happening to me and why is God letting this happen to ME?"
Sometimes, it was really just a blame game. I had in me a ball of anger towards my father and towards God that grew bigger and bigger every single day as I kept on feeding it with all the pain and negativity I had in my heart. I was raised in a church-going Catholic household, so it was hard to see why He would allow this type of thing.
What happened next, I learned that He had a plan, and that what I went through as a child growing up made me who I am. I mean, I always knew God had a plan for my life, but I always described it as "Head Knowledge". I knew all the right things to say, but He was giving me "Heart Knowledge". (Heart Knowledge is learned from living an experience, and getting the emotional wounds and strength that comes from it.)
I moved out at 20 and struggled to live independently, then I met someone. He was really nice and treated me with utmost respect. Fifteen years later, we are married with two kids!
By moving out, I knew people would turn their backs on me, including my boyfriend at the time. He didn't know what was going on and he just said he was upset with me that I would leave home. It was not an easy decision, but I really felt it was what I needed to do to survive emotionally. God was leading the way and it is not something I condone, but it was really what I felt He directed. I broke up with my boyfriend, and ended up meeting my future husband -- the man that I couldn't imagine my life without -- by following His ultimate plan.
I learned to trust in Him through all of that right up until I was married and had been desperately wanting a baby to start a family of our own. My hubby and I finally agreed to start trying and I had gotten pregnant right away, but at 6 weeks I started spotting and having tummy cramps. I went through three weeks of hell and feeling numb from within. I just went about my daily business, like a robot in autoplay, until my greatest fear happened. I didn't know then why God would allow me to lose the baby. I ended up having a miscarriage, but instead of getting angry and asking "why", I fervently trust that He sees the bigger picture and He was going to make me see the light from one of the darkest moments in my life.
I did question Him, but I would pray constantly, "Heavenly Father, please let me see why this is happening. I know You have a reason and I don't know why and what, and I quite frankly don't like it at all, but I have faith in You". I lost the baby, but within a month, I was pregnant with our eldest daughter. Zacchi is turning 11 this year and I just can't imagine my life without her. Seriously, she is such a character and such a wonderful addition to our lives.
There are a lot of people I know who have had miscarriages since I had mine, and I've been able to talk them through some of their darkest moments. Knowing that I came through such a tragedy myself has been a real blessing in disguise. In fact, a cousin who I am really, really close with went through two of them, and she is a really private person, but knowing I had been through it made her open up to me a little more. We feel connected more than ever now because of what happened. But I sometimes still wish I hadn't lost Zion, our angel, even to this very day.
Like all of that wasn't enough, while we were on to our third pregnancy (our second child), it was Nightmare on Elm Street all over again. I had to go through yet another difficult time carrying inside of me our second bundle of joy, which eventually led to an emergency C-section after having lost an ample amount of blood on my 32nd week. Our brave little munchkin, Zia, after having been admitted to the Neonatal ICU for four weeks for breathing complications turned out just fine.
Thinking about it now, I just couldn't seem to fathom how we were able to survive such an ordeal. I just kept reminding myself that God knew what He was doing, so I just had to let go and let God steer the wheel and lead the way for I just couldn't have done it without Him.
Sometimes, people have Head Knowledge of God knowing He has the big picture in mind, but we have to use our hearts to remind ourselves that He loves us and He is taking care of us. It's such a hard thing to remember when you are hurt, and scared, and in a really dark, lonely place. It's okay to question why He is allowing something to happen, as long as we know deep in our hearts that He loves us.
I try to remember to look for the good in every bad thing that is happening and pray that God will help me find it. I also pray that He opens my eyes and opportunities to share what I've learned from these difficult situations so that others may know they are not alone, and in the same way, I can be of help.
Has there been an instance ever in your life when you questioned God?
Care to share?
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