I've not logged in here in two months and trust me a lot has been going on.
I've been failing at school, my parents have been sick, my younger siblings have been going through teenage crisis.
It has really been a lot for me to handle but i particularly want to talk about my relationship with my father.
Image source: google.
It's no longer news that Anthony Bourdain died today. This particular incidence just gave fresh life to the macabre vibes I've been getting.
My father is in his early 60's. He has had diabetes since 2004 and since then no day passes by without him taking a handful of drugs. He was actually recently diagnosed with glaucoma which made him lose a large percentage of his sight.
He retired from active service this year and i guess he doesn't know what else to do with the rest of his days. He spends the day brooding and quarelling with my mum.
It breaks my heart to think that maybe he cries at night.
Every child's prayer is that their parents should not be absent when they start winning in life and that's mine too.
It scares me that the next phone call from home might be troubling.
Growing up, as is typical in every African home, my father was a very strict disciplinarian who didn't waste any time in spoiling the rod on our body in other to instill discipline.
Maybe he did it to the excess because even till date, we still fear him and find it very difficult to talk to him.
We feared him so much that if he comes into the sitting room, we quietly disappear to some other part of the house and leave him alone.
I love him dearly but somehow, now even as an adult and seeing what he is going through, i can't seem to break past that fear of him and offer soothing words. None of us children can. But i try as much as it is within my power to show it through my actions.
This inability to communicate has left many things unsaid.
I just resumed school, and he was the one who drove me to the bus park. I had a lot of opportunity to say something...anything as we drove silently to the park but yet again, words failed me.
I don't know if he saw me struggling with myself but when i waved goodbye as he left me at the park i was overwhelmed by emotions and i wept bitterly.
Image source: google.
All I do is pray for him and mum and cry.
I never call. It's always awkward.
I just pray they give him his gratuity.
I pray he stays alive.
I pray I experience more positive vibes.
I don't want to disappoint them.
I have only good intentions...
Words fail me everytime...