Here we go again. My dad's anger filled the house. Over what? I can't remember.

I'm a failure.... I'm 21 years old, and I haven't moved out yet.

I've never even owned a fucking car.

I'm the first person in my family to attend college. I pay every penny out of my pocket. In an attempt to avoid those hideous student loans.

Between school and working 2 part time jobs. I was in severe medical debt. I had to get my appendix removed, and I didn't have health insurance. Because what 21 years old can? ( Before the existence of Obama care)

I got most of the bills waived, but I still had to pay a large chunk.

I just had a fight with my dad. The usual. I don't do enough chores, I'm a failure because I'm not moved out, I'm also a bitch, I'm worthless, among other things.

I laid on my bed in my dark room in silence.

I tried in life, but I failed.

I don't have any friends I only have my boyfriend. Whom I've been dating for three years at the time. He also lived with his parents. He struggled to get a job. But like most people, he does his best.

I laid silently trying not to cry.
Crying is a sign of weakness. I'm no weak ass mother fucker.

But I thought of ways to end it all.

My dad has never been a loving person. He's emotionally abusive he's some narcissist.

Sometimes I wonder if having a just a mom and no dad is easier than an emotionally abusive father.

My mom tries to calm him.

But she too affected by his head games and emotional trauma.

She has become a hollow shell of a person. She's hardly even living. But she fights to keep herself alive because death terrifies her..

I couldn't take it anymore. I texted my boyfriend about the fight. And my broken heart.

I've never been on any prescription meds, and I'm your typical "good girl" no smoking, no drinking or drugs for me.

But today I've had enough

I have a health condition I was born with. That makes me allergic to everything. I'll go into detail about that in another post. But Benadryl has always been my best friend.

Without benadryl, I'd be stuck in the house all day. Benadryl cures my allergic reactions so I can live.

Can the same substance cause me to die?

I filled up my hand. Full of the little pink pills.

I poured over 100 of them into my mouth gradually swallowing then with water filled gulps.

the flavor was disgusting. It reminded me of the taste of heartburn

I'll die in little pain. I'll die. This will be over soon. I told my boyfriend I loved him; I told him what I did. Then I laid back in bed encouraging myself to sleep.

The Benadryl worked its magic, putting me to sleep for about twenty minutes.

I woke up to my body Jerking. My brain was not functioning.

I told myself to go back to sleep as I laid back down.

I couldn't sleep. I was agitated beyond belief.

I tried to calm myself, but I was Jerking I couldn't hold still. My body filled with agitation. I reached for my phone texting as I felt like screaming.

the words on my phone faded away.... They became a white blur, I couldn't see the screen.

I was wide awake. I was aware, but I was now

blind.

Everything around me was a massive blur of color. I couldn't tell what anything was. I tried to get out of bed. But I could no longer stand. I began puking my guts out onto my carpet floor. I tasted Benadryl.
ICould feel the pills hitting the floor. In a nasty blend of stomach acid.

Maybe I'll be free of the effects?

I was wrong

Puking didn't do shit to end the suffering I was faced with. I got weaker, Agitated and tired. I couldn't sleep, But I couldn't stop jerking and moving.

I felt so nauseated.

The dizziness made me want to puke more.
I couldn't even remember why I was upset at that point; I just wanted the sickness to go away. I worried about dying.

I don't want to die, I want to survive this

I didn't want the attention from family, so I stayed in my room.
I wanted water, But I would have to somehow crawl down to the kitchen, I couldn't even see.

I reached for my phone. My boyfriend could help!!
I tried to text him

"help Me"

Nothing happened.
I kept trying to text him over and over,
He was panicked. All he was receiving was gibberish.
He tried to understand what I was trying to say! But None of it made any sense.
It was random letters like this "ioeurejfsjjsjfdjs jflkdsjflksddjks"
I couldn't see, so I had no idea what I was doing.

We often think we can text full messages without being able to see, But when you are blind and sick. It's almost impossible no matter how much effort you put into it.

I can't die. I need to live; I know I can make something of myself I'm trying... I'm trying!

I had no idea that this would be my last suicide attempt.

I had to wait out the struggle. I had to endure the consequences of taking so many pills at once. No one knew the hell I was enduring in the confines of my bedroom.

When the symptoms started to die down hours later. I noticed my vision slowly started coming back.
Never has everything looked so beautiful. I could make out the objects and the items I have, And I loved it.

I reached for my phone to text my boyfriend, and I realized I couldn't see the screen. The phone screen was completely blurred still. Anything with a screen was blurry for some reason. Any lit screen.

It forced me to think about what I had done.

It's not worth it

The most one can do in life is their best.
And I realized after that day that it doesn't matter what people think of me, It only matters what I think of myself. There are so many "poisonous" People in this world. You should avoid them, Not let them wear you down. It doesn't matter if the person is family or not. Some people need to be cut loose.