Waking up today at 5AM naturally finally. I think this nocturnal shit I go through isn't a problem I can fix and it's more just something I gotta do. Seems about once every month or two, I'll end up completely reversing my sleeping schedule and going completely nocturnal, waking up at 9PM and passing out at around 10 or 11AM. Well, I suppose the clock has shifted again, and this time I didn't try to change anything and instead just accepted it while beating Castlevania. I hope it's over cause I wanna start doing stuff to better myself.
Yeah Yeah I hear you say
Keith, you always talk about making your life better but you spend most of it on your ass feeling sorry for yourself.
WELL THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, PAL! Today is different.
Or is it.. Well, there is one major difference: I'm taking control of myself.
One of the things I'm noticing in my going straight edge decision is that I really have a lot of crutches. I drank to ease my pain, I smoked to ease my brain and I ate food for comfort. Well above all I think it's left me with a few kinks in my hose if you know what I'm saying. Np? Well think of the hose as my arteries and the kinks as globs of cholesterol. It hasn't been a healthy way of coping or dealing with it, so I'm on the road to fix it.
Since quitting smoking and booze 4-5 days ago, (and as an everyday user) I've been eating to comfort myself. I didn't even realize I was doing that until last night which I then decided I'm going to control myself in that area too. I just need to discipline myself a little.
I'm fine, just fine. Doing dandy.,,
So I'm going to just type free flow for now and not edit it because I'm trying to fill a void in my being that only spasms of the emotional heart can quell, so don't take too in depth this unless you're the type to have fun reading into things that make no sense like flat-earthers and trump supporters.
My name is Joe. I am a jackal, spelling the entirity of itself in inexcplicable agony to air the truth of intelligence bestowed on me by the ancient manufacturers of subtle animal/human consciousness. I've drawn the diagram here sir, please take a look. "I like the way you used the pink glitter sparkles in the title" you say and I blush as I am proud of that specifically. Tomorrow is the big day at the legionaries ball where I'll finally be able to kiss a girl I like, but only if she signs the consent forms. Watching onward through the glass window I see the stars and some squid end up rolling along like it was their business in the first place. The whole platoon waves to the squid and the space squid wave back, winking their eye. Blinking. So I turn around and am faced with non other than a lava-goat. How did a lava-goat get on this ship?! Nobody knew but everybody scurried around in a panic wondering what to do with this goat, as we were a non-violent species. Had we not contained the lava-goat then it would surely burn a hole in our spaceship floor. don't look at it in the eyes the captain whispered. Lava-goats only burst when they think people are paying attention to it. So everybody in the ship started ignoring the lava-goat and that was weeks ago. It's behind me right now, but don't tell it I told you that.
This post, right here, right now, is basically my cigarette alongside my morning coffee. It still tastes good, but not nearly as good as a smoke. Thankfully people aren't smoking around me because surely my mouth wold start to water. I'm actually kind of teasing myself by continuing to talk about it. I wonder if that's healthy.,. If I think of the addiction as an entity inside of me, wouldn't pissing it off want it to get out of my sweet, supple bod?
UNHAND ME DEMON I screamed.
The demon then lessens it's grip entirely from my hand and the business meeting came to a screeching halt.
Tactful, yes. I choose my words as carefully as a soldier who's grenade exploded in his hand.
Here's another one I gotta work on. MASTURBATION!
This isn't some extra venture. This is how I know change is afoot. ALL of these things are just pieces to the puzzle of my lack of self discipline. If I exercise serious discipline and restrictions to all things that aren't healthy for me then surely it will pay off, right? It can't be THAT hard.
Maybe this is what people meant when they thought the devil might be tempting them. I'm pretty fine on my own (minus the years of getting absolutely shitfaced by myself) but as soon as I go out, there's that temptation. I want to be that healthy dude with the jogging suit, sunglasses drinking a kale smoothie, talking veganism annnnd alright there's definitely a social stigma against healthy people. But aside from the general douchiness of some people and their health nuttiness, did you ever think you might be programmed by marketers and television to think that stuff is douchey because it's good for you and you will stop buying/praising bacon like a religion? It's not that fucking good people! THEY HAVE KALE BACON NOW!!
Do they?.. I don't know.. it'll never be as good as the OG porco rosso. But shit people, if you love it so much why don't you learn to smoke and cure meats? Just a thought, but I am pretty willing to sacrifice my payment to the overlords of cruelty and taste in order to either become healthier or learn to raise, murder and process my food.
I am not a vegan! I'm not even a vegetarian, I just want to change. And I've always been like "Baby steps" but really most of my accomplishments have never been from doing things with half of an ass. I GOTTA USE MY FULL ASS, especially now because I have a lot of it. (I always thought half fast was the term, and it made sense to me).
To those that never smoked or haven't tried quitting, this is my synonym for you.
Have you ever loved and lost? Well, do you remember that feeling as you're laying in a bed that once fit two, and you look over to that pillow where they once laid, wishing that your lost lovers head was still in it? You go to bed sad and alone and then wake up and go to work and are constantly reminded of that person no longer being in your life so you can't focus on anything, and each day the realization slowly sets in a little more till you finally accept it and then the healing process starts to begin where you take your life back one day at a time, each day getting easier till you finally accept that it's all for the best and realizing that it wasn't healthy to begin with. You want to move forward and you know it's for the best even if that serious desire for their comfort is still nagging at the back of your mind and will never leave you.
Kay. Now imagine being able to just throw ten dollars at a stranger to have that love back in your life at any time you want for a day.
I'll admit, I have never sucked on anything without any passion as much as I have with a cigarette, so I can't quite compare it to love, but it's not the love that I'm comparing. It's the deep and powerful desire to have something that helped you feel whole and yourself no longer being there. It's the strength and betterment you feel as a person when you finally get over that need to have something to hold up your insecure self. It's the CONSTANT FUCKING NAGGING IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND when you first decide to remove that crutch. Human's are incredibly adaptive creatures, and I would even say that (trump voice) We Are The Most Adaptive Species On The Planet (End of trump voice) but we are super comfortable. Adaptation to the everyman of North America is like fire to pretty much any organism that isn't water - (and the award for best comparison goes to Keith of Earth!!). So here's to those people who wake up every day, make their bed and go out and accomplish shit. I have no idea how you do it, but I want to learn. Not through you of course, because if I want to live vicariously I'll turn on the tube. I will learn from my own experience. Keep on being adaptive and strong, don't let the machine stuff bacon and netflix down your throat and tell you it's good for you, and don't expect an award till the job is finished.
(End Transmission)