Today is a very hard day for me. I woke up after 2 hours of sleep with my cognitively challenged son jumping up and down on me and whining, because he was crabby after only 4 hours of sleep. Nothing ever makes him happy on days like this and I’m really not in the mood to try when I'm exhausted myself. I made him four different kinds of breakfast, but nothing was good enough and he just kept whining. So anyway, I'm again having a hard time dealing with the fact I am the only parent responsible for our children.
I was so exhausted this morning I had a mini break down, which of course turned into a teachable moment for me, which at first just left me feeling like I have a prison sentence over my head. I have always taken more of the responsibility for my children than the men (2) that helped create them, but there is something about knowing ultimately it always comes down to me that I just feel is so very wrong.
Yes, I understand I created these children and they are my responsibility. Yes, I understand they will always be my children, and may need my help at varying degrees throughout their lives. Here is what drives me mad about the situation: 1.) I don't feel you can be a great parent until you are a great person (or at least on the right path). 2.) I don't feel you can be a great person without the ability to learn and grow and heal your own dysfunction. 3.) I don't feel you can heal your own dysfunction without time to yourself do learn the things you never learned that aid in the process of growing and healing. 4.) When you are the only person responsible for two (soon to be three) little lives, and you want to contribute everything you can to the best cause/place you have ever known to exist, then that leaves zero time for the person to do the growing and healing… It seems like the worst catch 22 ever. I want to be an amazing person to inspire my children to do the same, but I can't get any better than I am because all my time is spent caring for them and living in my own dysfunction of hating the situation.
So 
I understand and agree with all the things he said, I think it is possible, if that is what someone wanted. I don't want to just be a great parent though. I want to be a great person first and foremost. I have put myself last constantly in this life, and now that I am finally living in an amazing place with amazing people, the idea of having to wait 4 more years to become the best person I can be makes me so sad I have cried all day. This realization of truth that was given to me today has me feeling like I just found out I'm going to be in a coma for the next 4 years, and I just have to accept it. I have no idea how to align myself with something when ever fiber of my being is screaming, "No this is wrong, I hate this!"
I took care of my little brother when we were kids. I tried to take care of my addict parents, or at least make sure they didn't kill each other so my brother and I wouldn’t end up in foster care. Then at 15 I started dating and tried taking care of the various boyfriends I had, then at 18 I got pregnant and dropped everything I wanted in life to only try and be a good mother since I was a single parent then too (which turned out like shit). I cared for my daughter and my boyfriend of 9 years, and my parents, and my brother, and basically every lost soul I ever met, meanwhile I just started getting sicker and sicker, because I never learned how to care for myself. Then I got married and tried to care for my abusive husband, and my two new kids along with my oldest daughter. Then my oldest daughter left (which is a whole different trauma I need to process) so I was left feeling like even if you give something everything you have it is never good enough and they will always leave you when you need them. Now at least I don't have to take care of my abusive husband anymore and I will only have 3 children and myself to deal with, but it still feels like I come last when there is no time left in the day.
So here I sit, trying to decide what to do. I can try and find an upside to parenting awesomely, like
Anyone reading this would think it is a no brainer. Hell, I have been telling myself for the last 10 years I have been feeling like this that it is a no brainer. I have been telling myself to just get on board with what is best for the kids, and if I can get my head right, what would be best for me too. I wish it were easier to let go. Especially when I feel myself feeling physically unwell again. I want so badly to wake up after at least 7 hours of sleep, without someone jumping on me and causing me pain that lasts throughout the morning. Then make myself a green shake instead of 4 kinds of breakfast for someone who just throws it on the ground. After that I want to do some yoga to help my mental and physical well being, instead of changing poopy diapers and listening to whining and complaining unless I get drug out of the house before I even get a chance to brush my teeth. In my perfect world I would then spend the rest of my day trying to finish one the 6 books I have started in the last 3 years, and I would dedicate the rest of my entire day to 
Does that sound selfish as hell, yes it sure does. However, and extremely smart man once said that, "Everyone is selfish. It just depends on what they do with it that matters. Do they use their selfishness to only better themselves, or better the world around them?" I want to do both, but feel I can't do either without caring for myself.
What am I going to do? I am going to do the right thing, because that is what I do. I'm going to find a way to align myself with happiness in raising my children in community with, or without, a partner. Also thank jebus for community life or this would be an impossible task for me! I'm going to do the best for my kids, and know they will see the benefit in it, even if my oldest daughter didn't. If I change my energy, then I can change the outcome of this situation. Plus I have been looking into CBD oil for my son, I think it could really help him and I want to do whatever I can to make our lives more peaceful.
So this is not at all what I planned on writing about today lol. I guess I needed to get this out more than the other thing I have been stewing on for a few months. This posting was defiantly about abuse to myself, existing in my own personal hell, which so many of us do.
Also a big xoxoxoxo to 
Questions, comments, shared experiences are always welcome!