I first became interested in psychedelics when I was pretty young, probably around adolescent age. I was intrigued with the idea that they would show you a new reality and that I had heard they could allow you to see sound and hear color. I got older and had my children and thought that I would not be able to peacefully trip with them being young even if they were with a good babysitter. I was afraid of getting scared on a trip and worrying about my kids, so I did not try any until they were a bit older.
After I was in the military I had realized that I had some issues with being depressed and feeling like I did not want to be alive. I did not really have anyone to talk to at the time and be completely honest with, not one person in my life really made me feel like I could tell them why I felt the way I did. I had told the person I was in a relationship with but that did not do much except give them something to use against me.
I had heard that psilocybin mushrooms could help with depression so I again became interested in psychedelics. They seemed to help a lot even after the experience and during it was the most I had laughed in years. There was not a profound change at first but I did feel some relief...and was glad I found something fun that was not alcohol.
Over the years I read more and more about psychedelics and learned a lot about how they can help you to heal trauma. This alone made me start to think about my own trauma more...and to realize that some things that happened to me as a kid were really effecting my entire life.
There were many times when I was young that I woke up to being attacked and sexually assaulted. Going through that made me hate life, and made me hate the world. After that happened to me, life became about survival and was no longer about having a good future or happy life. Everything was bullshit. I was confused and did not know what to do and I thought about suicide a lot. Part of what kept me from trying is the thought in the back of my head that it could get better...but another thing was that I started smoking weed. Something about being stoned on pot made me feel like I did not want to die...and it still can. This is one reason I am a huge supporter of the cannabis movement, and something I think more people should talk about. I can want to die one minute and then take a nice hit of some good quality cannabis and suddenly the suicidal thoughts seem illogical, which they are! I can see why so many people with PTSD say it works wonders for them! It does not allow me to escape my reality, but it sure makes me less negative about it!
Psychedelics have taught me so many things but have also shown me my own resiliency without them. I never gave up and I did not give in to dangerously addictive substances. I did not give in to my rage at my own life experience and take it out on other people. My experiences taught me to be hyper aware of my surroundings, but that also makes it very hard to relax. Psilocybin mushrooms are like a gift from heaven when it comes to that. They make my body feel like angels just gave me a massage.
I also use cannabis daily to help with stress symptoms.
The internet in general has been immensely helpful for my personal journey in an attempt to heal my own trauma and learn to be at peace with this life...without that connection to all the knowledge I have accessed I do not think I would be alive today.
Today as I write this it has been over one year since I have had a psychedelic session. I could definitely feel that I would have benefited from having a session every few months...but did not have the opportunity. I stay with the teachings of psychedelics and try to learn more about it almost daily, this has helped me get through the times of not having access to the medicine that is psychedelics.
I also use music to induce mystical feelings that I have had while under the influence of entheogens(which means a substance that induces a spiritual experience such as psychedelics) I have many songs I love that I know are about the mystical experience and healing while you are there so I put them on pretty loud and let the music consume my mind and it does induce feelings of euphoria and bliss. Sometimes it can make me cry or laugh or even just take my breath away. I believe anyone can do it as long as you find music that connects you with feelings you have experienced in mystical states.
I also use social media as a way to get into a flow with words and express some of the ideas I shared here...even this blog right now is part of that outlet of flow. Being able to do this with words and engage with other people is one thing I do almost daily that keeps me from slipping down into some unhealthy mental state. I am of course not perfect, and I do not feel happy all of the time...but enough of the time that I do not need to escape constantly or do things that hurt my future or my body. I am relatively in shape and try to eat a whole foods diet as well as keep learning everything I can about being healthy in my body and mind.
The biggest thing psychedelics did for me was show me what it means to be connected with all things...and that recognition is something that changed my life forever.
