When I was little my older sister was my idol. I thought she was the absolute coolest human being in the whole world. As a little girl, I think I would have been content for the rest of my life if I could have just frozen time during those quick years where my sister and I were both young enough to enjoy the same games. I remember playing 'sinking ship' in the basement, practicing speaking french together, when she taught me how to read my first book, and stuck up for me in Brownies when others were making fun of my orthodontics.
That's me on the left in the cool jean jacket. Do you see how I am looking at her? She's the brunette with the short hair and terrible 80's sweater on, rocking the pink corduroys.
Even just reflecting back on these moments gives me a deep sense of sadness and nostalgia. My sister and I are still friends, so why the sadness?
What happened was timing and age. There was a period of about 5 years that changed everything for me. My sister, being older, hit puberty before me. She also had more friends and was more social, so she obviously started getting into teenager stuff, while I was more immature, still playing with stuffed animals and lego.
During that time, I had no idea about puberty or girlfriends and boyfriends and all that jazz. No one really teaches you these things in life. Nobody warns you that your best friend will all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, want nothing to do with you, loose complete interest in the things you used to do, and seem irritated by the sheer sight of you.
Yes, I would have to say my first real heartbreak, my first major rejection in life was between me and my sister, and I think this formula is probably quite common among younger siblings.
I personally immediately suppressed it, which is how I handled most major traumas as a child. I didn't understand it, didn't give it words, instead I pushed it down and then acted out. I would annoy and torment my sister for all those years, not realizing it was driving a wedge even further between us when I really just wanted her attention.
When I finally caught up in my development, I was still hurt by what had happened in the past. I acted cool and aloof, like I didn't even really want to be her friend anymore anyways. Unfortunately, this was a time where I could have bridged the divide and started bringing us back together, but instead I turned to sulking and spitefulness, I kept everything suppressed and in the dark, and chose a different path away from my sister and family, more towards friends ,partying and drinking.
Why is rejection so painful? I will explore this question and continue my story, revealing how it turned out between my sister and I , and what we both did to change it.