I recently had a good cry. I was opening up to Sunette Spies about my appreciation for her and the process she has walked in her life, and I suddenly became teary. I realized why and I will explain that point later, but what struck me in that moment was how it affected me that someone else was seeing me cry. In that moment, I felt like I wanted to hide it, suppress it, and just try to stop and put on a brave face.
When I saw I could not stop it and it had to come out, I wanted to go back to my room and cry in private. But no such luck here at the Desteni farm – this is communal living, and my room is in a house with 7 other people – people that truly care and will go out of their way to ask me what’s wrong, and then open up the point with me until I am satisfied that I see and understand it – unless of course I ask for my space, which I did not.
I did not ask for space precisely because I wanted to challenge this point of being embarrassed about crying in front of others. Leila came in to my room to give me my phone, saw I was crying and asked what was going on. I told her what happened and what I had opened up in the moment with Sunette. I also told her I felt embarrassed about crying, and within myself, I could see that I was feeling a bit out of control due to the emotions welling up and overcoming me, and I felt exceptionally vulnerable.
I have been living in this house where Leila’s son Cesar also lives. He is three, and he immediately expresses everything that comes up in himself without judgment. I used Cesar as an example for me of how to ‘let it all out’ unconditionally, without judgment.
Soon LJ came in and I talked with him as well. I felt no judgment whatsoever from the two of them, which made it plain to see that the only judgment I was feeling was my own. LJ gave me THE most unconditional hug, which was exactly what I needed right then, but which made me want to cry even louder and harder. It brought up this one specific memory from way back, when I was about three. I was in my dad’s arms and I was crying. I was crying in that way that children cry, when the sound that comes out is like a deep, guttural sound coming from the very core of the child. The memory stayed with me because, although I was upset about something, I remember it feeling good to let it out., like it was natural, it was not supposed to be kept in.
I can see how, over the years, I developed judgments about showing my emotions, and slowly over time, began to stop myself in moments where I would have otherwise had a good cry or even a quick cry. It eventually became ‘natural’ for me to suppress crying – within this, suppressing the reasons for which I wanted to cry, leaving them unchecked and left to fester deep down inside of me. Soon, I became comfortable with being uncomfortable, often feeling like I was carrying around an emotional burden that would just sit there with me and become triggered in moments, where I would have to push it back down again.
The last time I can remember ‘letting it all out’ was alone in my room. I had just come back from my visit to the Desteni farm in 2015, where I had gotten in touch with myself in ways that I forgot were even possible. When I got home, what hit me was how much of myself I suppress while living my ‘normal life’ in the system, at work, and with friends and family. Now, keep in mind that I liked my ‘normal life’. I thoroughly enjoy my family and friends, this has nothing to do with them. I simply had been dealing with some patterned behaviour that I couldn’t see until I took a step out of it within my visit to the Desteni farm back in 2015.
I also decided back then to ‘let it all out’ when the realizations came up. I cried alone in my room, a deep, wailing cry into my pillow. It felt good, but I did not fully understand or get to the bottom of it. I left it at ‘I have seen the way things could be’, let it all out, and moved on.
As adults, there is a certain discernment and stability that we need to maintain, using common sense and practicality when it comes to ‘expressing everything that comes up’, or ‘letting it all out’. In this moment recently, however, I knew I had some deeply suppressed emotions that I could not just talk about and write out – I had to also physically release it this time, and so I did. But what I noticed was that I could not completely let go and get to that place where I just let out completely. There was still some resistance to do so due to being an adult, in a room with two other adults.
But that is okay – I will also not judge myself for not being able to ‘go there’ completely. That will also be a process for me to walk as it comes. It will take time, understanding and patience as I develop the self-trust and resolve as I prove to myself that it is okay to be vulnerable, it is ok to let go sometimes. I am learning that letting go, not being perfect and always in control, and having others see me like this, does not determine who I am at my core. If anything, I am living my process of self-change openly, for others to see where my weaknesses are, what my suppressions are, what I am actively working on.
The fact that I was doing this with and in front of others also gave me the opportunity to talk about it as it was happening, sharing real time what exactly was going on within me.
So, what was the point that I had opened up? It was in sharing and showing appreciation for someone else, in this case Sunette, on a deep level, I realized that I had never really taken a moment to show any appreciation towards myself.
On the contrary, I have been living my life highlighting my faults and challenging my weaknesses, creating quite a difficult path for myself while, for the longest time, not having a proper balance of self-creation, which I eventually started to focus on to do which began with this recording: Creating Balance while Changing Yourself, which inspired me to begin the process here in this blog: Letting Go of OCD While Birthing A New Me
I also felt a deep and profound sadness coming up from within me, which showed me that it wasn’t only a lack of appreciation, it was something much deeper. The point was made clear to me in this recording: You'll Never Become What You Don't Recognize Within You and I reveal it in detail in this blog: How Do I Turn My Abusive Self-Relationship into One of Self-Support: Update.
Two interviews mentioned:
Creating Balance while Changing Yourself
“While you are in the process of changing an addiction or habitual pattern, how do you avoid the two common pitfalls of ending up suppressing the point or becoming obsessed and possessed within it?
How can you establish a balance so that you let go of the old, while creating the new?
This interview shares practical and creative ways to give yourself structure as well as freedom when taking on the more challenging and addictive patterns you want to change.”
You'll Never Become What You Don't Recognize Within You
"Do the terms self-worth, self-intimacy, and self-value seem like far away ideas that you are still searching for in your life and yearning to one day express for yourself?
What if the very things you have been waiting for, yearning for, and searching for are already within you and all you have to do is to stop the things that are getting in the way of your real expression?"