Day: 440
I spent the whole night tossing in the bed, tormented by my own mind, exhausted by my own thoughts, destroyed by my own misery, again.
This was not the first night it was happening and certainly not the last.
All the water from my body was mixed with the salts of life and found their way out through the eyes and the rest formed a huge lump in my throat and was burning with all the intensity of my pain.
There was a strong urge to shout out how fed up I am with all the futile efforts to make things better.
There was a persistent desire to just escape from everything alive, to disappear and never come back.
Each muscle in my body was aching because of the hard work I put in just existing. The sound of my tired heart beating, felt like a soft noise of the nocturnal insect buzzing in the infinite dark jungle which will quiet at the break of the dawn.
The alarm beeps....
I am alive..... unfortunately. More tired than the night before. More hopeless than ever. I feel like the same day is replayed again and again. Like a snake biting it's own tail, there is no end and no beginning to the hollowness I feel within me.
The invisible weight on my body squashes my mere existence. The weight of the day ahead, of fake smiles and of sad eyes. The weight of crumpling bones and churning blood. I look at my hands. The protruding visible green veins are spreading on my wrist like a web of disease. How do I cure it?
The shining steel blades of the scissors on the table catch my glimpse. I took it and moved the cold steel on my thin skin. I do feel it, probably being dead on the inside isn't exactly same as being dead altogether.
Am I going to do it?
Am I?