Have you ever felt that feel?
The feeling when you feel that something is wrong, but you can't exactly put your finger to it.
That something is slowly but definitely spreading it's sharp claws inside you. As it happens, a strong wave of heat gushes over you, drowning you inside yourself. That heat carries the energy of all the emotions that, unfortunately lie on the wrong side of the spectrum.
After the wave goes back to where it came from, the mind is forced to see what is left behind. The tired eyes and barely alive body can only see debris, broken lives and mistakes. The waste is the recreation of the past, the hopes and fear of future, and the ceasing to exist, present. When the cocktail of such mixed emotions hits, it gives a high on horror. What is felt then is contamination, dirt and helplessness. To get rid of this, the next logical step appears to be getting control of your surroundings. Put things to their place, everything has to be perfect outside because all is a mess inside. But does it help? Doesn't help me!
Because just when I think I have got it all sorted, someone comes and moves things from structure to disaster. And I am back to square one. Unorganized, mess, dirty. Then the final attack happens. The feeling to scratch off the skin and peel it off, until the small life form which is hiding inside me beneath the whole facade of bones and bloods is found.
That feeling which is more of an urge to get rid of that devil and dump it somewhere far away. Inside the deep depths of the ocean,or throw it into the infinite of the galaxy. Because the idea of living even a single day without the fear of collapsing, a day without the cruel anxiety running through the veins and thoughts racing at the speed of the light, a day when it isn't compulsion to have heart and brain together in this closet called body, is unimaginable.
When living doesn't kill you but murders everything that makes you feel alive. That feeling. Have you felt it too? Or is it just me?