It hurts so much, much like it did for him when he was alive. He was the runt, not able to compete with his siblings for food. Bought special kitten milk powder and bottle fed him. Have never done that with a kitten before, thankfully I have been blessed all my life with healthy kittens.
He screamed a lot, from being cold, from being hungry, from being licked by his mama. We named him Depp (after Johnny Depp when he played Cry-Baby, seemed fitting). Depp or deppig is slang for depressed in Swedish also.
I was hopeful, even if he did not like to be fed by me, he started to accept it more and more. Sometimes I got frustrated since he seemed to want to die, without even knowing what life was yet.
Last night his mother carried him away from his other siblings, left him alone. I noticed it and took him back but she tried to take him away again. I wrapped him in a little blanket and fed him, then held him close so he would feel warmth and love.
I thought he would survive everything after that night. I was wrong. He did not scream today, I thought it was because he was getting better, managed to be fed by his mother but in reality, he was quiet because he was dying.
His final breaths looked like tiny little gasps and then, he was gone. He looked peaceful. Not in pain. Now I am in pain, my heart is broken because I really thought he would survive. I tried to give nature the middle finger but in the end, nature won. And I lost. I lost an amazing little kitten who would have went to a great home with his older half-brother in a couple of months. He would have been loved, as I loved him.
I try to think, that he is better off now. That it is better this way but I also believe that part of me will be buried with him.
Rest in peace Depp, I will never forget you and always love you.