“He wanted to bring back the luster and the glory of the White House.”
Oh, Mooch. We hardly knew ya. On Monday, news broke that newly appointed White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci is leaving his post—just 10 days after his appointment. As disappointing as the news may be to the man who sold his company to work for the White House, he’s probably taking comfort in the fact that he is far from alone. Tons of staffers have exited the Trump administration, and, before that, the now-president’s campaign—some because they were fired, others of their own volition. The turnover rate is enough to make one’s head spin, though at least there are plenty of options for follow-up jobs—like, say, a stint on Dancing with the Stars, which ousted press secretary Sean Spicer is reportedly considering.
In fact, now that we think of it, Dancing with the Stars could air an entire season populated solely with ex-Trump staffers looking for their second acts. Naturally, that raises one crucial question: who would win? Let’s consider the odds.
Anthony Scaramucci
The man of the hour! Listen, we’ve got a feeling this guy can make a hell of a Long Island iced tea—but could he become TV’s next great dancer? As Bruno Tonioli might tell you, one of the keys to being a compelling dancer—especially for TV—is to bring the passion. Based on his profanity-laden phone call with The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza, the Mooch has fire to spare. The tango, we’re guessing, might be his specialty.
But to be a great dancer, one must also have some finesse—and it’s in this category that we’re not sure Scaramucci is up to par. Somehow, we’re just not convinced the guy who shouted into a phone that he thinks Steve Bannon likes to practice autofellatio has the self-control required to be America’s next dance sensation.
Reince Priebus
Another recent Trump dismissal. To be honest, we’re thinking poor ol’ Reince probably suffers from the opposite problem: unlike Scaramucci, who suffers from a surplus of passion and a lack of control, Reince might have trouble unclenching his Priebus enough to pull out a win.
Michael Flynn
Flynn—who clocks in at 58—would be among the season’s older entrance, but that doesn’t necessarily rule him out; Florence Henderson competed when she was 76, and she made it all the way to Week 5! Besides, Flynn has reportedly spent a fair amount of time with Russians; perhaps at some point, they took him to the ballet.
Paul Manafort
Honestly, we’d say that Manafort—one of Trump’s many former campaign managers—has about the same odds as Flynn. (He also has a similar relationship with Russia.) He may face questions about of whether he’s really eligible to compete, considering his current status as a foreign agent; perhaps he should have considered his Dancing with the Stars future before he registered.
Roger Stone
Stone would actually be the oldest contestant of the season, and—some might argue—the most evil. He does already feel comfortable in ridiculous outfits, which could give him a slight edge over the competition—though “Nixon Now” doesn't exactly have a beat you can dance to.
Katie Walsh
Walsh—a former deputy chief of staff who became victim of one of the White House’s many “shuffles”—was known to Priebus as someone who could fix things in a pinch. But how quickly could she pick up the foxtrot? Sadly for ABC, Walsh has returned to the R.N.C. in a senior role . . . which means that unlike many of her competitors, she would have to juggle the demands of Dancing with the Stars with an actual job.
Preet Bharara
All due respect to Bharara; he refused to resign when Jeff Sessions requested that all Obama-era U.S. Attorney appointees do so, forcing Trump to fire him instead. But we’re not sure how such a display of spine would work out for him as a contestant; would Bruno Tonioli have to chase Bharara off the stage during elimination week?
Corey Lewandowski
Remember this guy? CNN hired him right after Trump fired him—and then he quit that job right after Trump won the election. Frankly, we’re not sure Lewandowski has the commitment required of a Dancing with the Stars contestant; the cha-cha demands some serious stamina.
Michael Caputo
We know Caputo has sass, at least; just after Lewandowski got fired, Caputo himself fired off this tweet:
@MichaelRCaputo
Ding dong the witch is dead! http://youtu.be/rHJoj9IqeKg
That move, incidentally, got him fired. Whoops! Dancing with the Stars isn’t often plagued by cantankerous contestants who insist they’re “not here to make friends,” but bringing on Caputo could change all that. Trump’s inner (outer?) reality host would certainly approve.
Sean Spicer
According to Page Six, Dancing has actually reached out to Spicer already. Here’s hoping his hips are more honest than his speeches from the lectern. But Spicer should be cautious: there will be no bushes on stage to hide among should he fail at the Viennese waltz.
James Comey
When he testified before the Senate about his investigation into Russian interference in the election—and possible ties between the Kremlin and the Trump campaign—Comey quickly gained unexpected status as the Internet’s “daddy.” Honestly, we’re not sure how that impacts his chances of winning, but we have a feeling he’d have the people’s unwavering support. The real question is which partner would have the best stage presence beside his six-foot-eight frame? Imagine doing a lift and being hoisted almost seven feet into the air!
Sally Yates
Put this woman at the top of your bracket. She’s confident; she’s got the masses on her side; and most importantly, there’s no way in hell she’ll crack under pressure. Best of luck next season, Sally. May the odds be ever in your favor.