If anything I say actually makes sense and gets through, I want it to, above all things, be that I forgive you.
I can’t sit here and deny that this situation didn’t make me feel less than. That it didn’t knock me to my knees and take the air from my lungs. That it didn’t leave my heart bleeding and my soul shattered. My mind racing. But, because I felt all of these negative things so immensely, I know that the love I felt for you was real.
Of course, as in all things, I was not completely innocent. I wanted what I could not have. I took chances knowing my place, knowing of the potential consequences. I do, also blame myself. None of this was ever just on you.
I’ve come to realize that often times when someone hurts you, it is more so a reflection of them and their own demons than it ever was your own. I know you’re struggling and I know you’re hurting. I only ever wanted to help you be the person I know you can be. But I could never help you when you aren’t ready to help yourself.
There were moments between us that I will never forget. I will never forget the slow sound of your breath as you fell asleep on my chest. Or singing with you in the car. I can’t ever forget the way you made me feel, when you looked at me over your shoulder, those eyes... enough to make me forget my own name. The way it felt the first time you kissed me...
“The lion fell in love with the lamb.”
I did love you. I still do. I always will. But, maybe I loved you more than you loved me. No... I loved you more than you love yourself. So I needed to make the decision to love myself more than I do, more than you do.
I will forever want to see you happy. It’s my hope that one day you can heal from your traumas and finally catch your breath. I hope that when life finally begins for you, you take every chance you can to grab happiness and make it yours. I will forever be cheering you on, even if from a distance.
I’m sorry for the way things ended. I’m sorry that I was, at times too impatient and unable to understand your rationale. I’m sorry for hurting you, too.
I will never understand why you did the things you did, or if your feelings were true. Why you chose someone you claimed not to love, and dropped me like another terrible habit. Perhaps, I don’t want to and it’s better that way. Your reasons are your reasons. I do hope, though, that one day you yourself realize why. Heal.
Maybe one day we will meet again and laugh at how this all went down, or maybe not. Either way, good luck. Thank you for the lesson.
-Katie