Recently I experienced tremendous qunatities of pain. My mind was having a constant headache, not a usual one tho, it was like 10x times heavier. I cannot describe the feeling of it and I don't want anybody to have a similar experience.
My trip to Sofia did not go as planned. I had many things that no one knows which failed. Everything came from the depressing reality of the situation where your expectations are not what actually happens in the end. You do not meet your intentions. For just a day my whole life changed, I don't know if I will get it back to what was before and I am struggling to cope with reality, to accept what happened.
As days go by, you just get used to the pain, you live with it, it always happens like that, but it will become a part of you. I do not want to live with a comfortable pain. Even when I see that pain makes me a better person - I need to cut the pain and live without it. To become better without it becoming a part of me.
It is hard, life is painful and every time it gets harder and harder. The suffering hits heavier than before, the thoughts become a burden even more and you begin to give up entirely because you have suffered once more.
I am asking the Gods or anyone - "Why do I need to suffer again and again, why, just why?"
Why do I have to do anything when in the end I suffer from it, how does anything matter when suffering is inevitably going to hit you? And when you give your whole energy, time, resources to someone or something. Your reveal your deepest desires, your whole soul, it hurts so deeply that you wish it never happened, you wish the good never happened because the bad is so painful that it just makes you feel nothing.
Maybe in that nothing you begin to heal? Maybe that makes you stronger? When feelings are gone you begin to wonder, to strive for change, because reality is so disappointing that you want to become someone else. Here you start to work, to develop yourself and become a better person. But in what cost?
You trade your sanity and feelings. You fall so deeply that you cannot imagine being even lower, but yet every time you fall deeper and deeper. You then climb higher and higher. You rebuild yourself just so you can repeat the process again and again through infinity...