How it all began
I like many others, especially in America, became addicted to pain killers. My story is not much different from some, but it kind of is. I did not get started by partying or anything like that. I had scoliosis surgery and had harrington rods, screws, and hooks put into my spine as a teenager. Obviously having your spine pulled apart and a bunch of hardware inserted is going to cause a shit ton of pain and immediately after surgery was given a boat ton of pain medicine. I healed and a couple weeks later went home. I managed with the help of my mother and because I was still young and healed well able to be off pain medicine, at least for the next four years until I was 18.
Then came the news that would fuel my addiction
I started experiencing pain, but not normal scoliosis surgery pain. I went to my surgeon to find out where my spine was not fused was beginning to come apart and tear nerves in my spine. The only option was a risky second surgery with higher chances of paralysis or even death. At 18 I did not want to hear it. I still wanted kids, a job, a life. This was not the route, at least not yet, that I was taking. The only other option was a new normal day to day of taking pain killers to be able to tolerate it and live a somewhat pain free life. But as many of you know, you build a tolerance and I did within a few short months and did not even realize it. It would eventually almost cost me my life.
How fast it happened
For my age and weight, I was already being prescribed in my view way too much. However, months went on and as the story goes I needed a little bit more because in my mind the pain wasn't getting better with what I had. Little did I know the pain was the same, but my brain was telling me otherwise. Six a day soon became eight which became 12 which became 16 and ultimately over the last few years of me being an addict became upwards of 25 a day. It sounds unimaginable, but it happened. It had gotten to the point that I could not get out of bed and make a cup of coffee without at least a few. I knew it was a problem, but in my mind I was still taking care of the things I needed to. What started out as medication for a health issue became my crutch for everything wrong in my life at the time. I thought because I was a functioning drug addict it was something I could ignore. Until one day I couldn't.
January 14, 2018 - The best and worst day of my life
All shit eventually catches up with you and mine finally did. I had gotten into a pretty bad fight physically with my ex which fueled me to have an excuse to take more than an already life threatening amount. I was awake and then I wasn't. I woke up to what seemed like flashing lights, but could not see anything and just heard unfamiliar voices. I was in the hospital and finally after 10 very long years of dependency, my body had enough and I had overdosed. When I finally was alert enough to be told this, I surprisingly was somehow in disbelief that it finally happened. However, it was enough to scare the shit out of me because I did't even feel it happening. If no one had been home, there is a more than likely chance I would not be here right now. A lot of people in those shoes are not as lucky and I knew I could never ever try to chance my luck again.
A second chance
I have been clean since that day and I am not saying it was easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through in my life. I had my own way of getting through it, but I knew I had to. There was no ending to it except to eventually have it take my life. It was the only two options, stop and get help or let it destroy me, my life, and everyone witnessing it. The point of this whole post is, if you need help and you know you need help, do your damn best to at least try. I know first hand how scary it is, how you feel low about yourself, how hard it is to reach out to talk to anyone, but what I can promise you is it will do something for you even if it is just an ear to listen to you. We live in a crazy strange world right now and I know it's probably even more tough to just go somewhere and get help and even easier to develop a habit during the pandemic. Do your best for yourself and those around you. Be strong, you are beautiful.
