Warning: The links in this post may lead to images that are NSFW. If you have a strong cartoon penis aversion please refrain from clicking the aforementioned links.
I have a confession to make.
I may or may not have inadvertently become the Da Vinci of dick drawings on Steemit.
It all started out as a joke.
Upon an unusual request, I drew a penis with the caricature of Neil DeGrasse Tyson at its crown. It was a great likeness of the famous astrophysicist, probably the best representation of a face I've ever draw. A close circle of friends on the rocket chat all had a great laugh, and then I placed the artwork in the dusty filing cabinet at the back of my mind.
Little did I know, what this would set into motion.
Within a few days, a few energetic fans greeted me with questions such as, "Hey, aren't you that dude that draws dicks that look like people?"
Initially, I was flattered. Admirers would submit requests for cocks in the image of someone like Bill Clinton or a custom avatar of themselves, and I would quickly oblige with a few careless scribbles.
No big deal.
Each sketch would up the ante, escalating the situation into mass hysteria. Sheer demand forced my hand into working laboriously on these images. Slaving to the point that I no longer resembled myself before my first "cock-icature." I was no longer 
I stopped sleeping at this time. Stopped eating. I may have appeared to listen to my girlfriend as she spoke, but I was etching erections in the back my mind. Life was spiraling out of control.
"Hello, my name is kryptik, and I'm a compulsive illustrator of dicks. Some might call me the "Salvador Dali of dongs."
Blank stares from around the room cornered me. I'm sure all of them were thinking, "Why in the literal fuck is this guy at an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting?"
Small elite art circles gathered in private channels of the chat and whispered about the meticulous line work of the "Picasso of Peen." Wealthy patrons lined up to throw massive amounts coin for the chance to own the next "Mona Lisa of Manhood."
Am I addicted to the almighty dollar or the glory of the gooch?
Or both?
Days ago I was approached by a benefactor that I am sure would prefer anonymity. Ah, politics. He asked for a cock-icature of one Steemit's most prominent figures, Jerry Banfield.
"Yeah. I'm sure I could do that", is a phrase that will probably be written on my epitaph.
For all of you loyal students of the scrotum, the eyes are the key to a great cock-icature. I may be a talentless loser, but I am also a talentless loser that can routinely nail the eyes. This is what makes my drawings even somewhat recognizable. Jerry's soft feminine features eluded me on paper. After a thousand flawed iterations of his peepers, I resorted to the lowest form of artistry, tracing. I couldn't even do that right.
I must have tried to trace this man's eyes four million times. I zoomed in more tight with each try. I don't know if my mind was playing a trick on me, but it really looks like Jerry may use "guyliner". (There will be a poll in the comment section at the end of this post. You all help me decide.) After finding this, I was only left with more questions.
Baffled, I rejoined the rocket chat to give my concession speech to the party who commissioned me.
"Sorry, I just can't seem to get Jerry's face to look right?"
"That's fine. Let's just see what you have," he muttered in a tense fashion.
An internal struggle began to ensue. My elaborate rouse was up. I'd no longer be exalted as the holy penciler of penii. I would be exposed as the artistically inept person that I am. Power is addictive, but that was the least of my worries.
My unnamed patron also happens to be in the upper echelon of an underground gambling syndicate on the Steem blockchain. They go by the name of the Steem Poker League (or 
Rule 1. When an
"I'm just joking. HAHAHAHA. Get it?!? I'll have your dangler drawn in no time," I stuttered.
Translation for those that aren't following me: I really like when my legs are unbroken.
I have been on the hunt for the secret to drawing Jerry for days, and I'm afraid I can't stall this shadowy figure any longer. I tried reaching through to him at his discord for "friends" and "partners". As you can see with the photo if you use an "@" mention, there are multiple "Jerrys"
Is he one of the first three "Jerry Banfields" or "jerryboy4luv"? You apparently can't private message "Jerry Banfield 1337".
More questions. Zero answers.
Will my dark donator's thirst for clam hammers let up and not break my legs?
Is it even possible to draw Jerry Banfield as a penis, or just not enough girth in that head shape?
Are the proxy Jerrys there to protect him from Vice tokens?
Is "cuckolding" really considered a sexual addiction?
And lastly what poor gay prostitute did Jerry steal "the hat" from?
If you can produce an image in the shape of a penis with the likeness of Jerry Banfield on it, please drop it off at the
*Make sure to answer the poll question by voting on the poll comments below: Guyliner or nah?
I hope to see you all again soon, but if I don't develop results it may be over.
No sweetheart, I'm not drawing or talking about cartoon dicks again.
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