Its taken me such a long time to take that step. Probably one of the hardest decisions to make. Something that was always going to affect everyone close to me, so really couldn't be taken lightly. Five years to be exact, or close enough.
Only this year, had I made the decision to begin to live again. To remember that I too had a life. I finally felt that time had, at last, made a change. That I'd been respectful to my husband, but more importantly, to our children.
I joined a dating site for widowed people. A bit sad maybe, but my confidence level was through the floor. Even then, I was incredibly cautious. Actually I behaved like a 12 year old, and ran away from it most of the time. I began messaging a guy, he was 56, widowed too, obviously, with two kids at similar ages to my own. He seemed nice, but it still took me over two weeks to actually speak to him by phone. Even worse, I didn't get enough courage up to meet him for another month!
The day arrived and I was terrified. Wtf? We were only meeting to walk my dogs around the local country park! I thought nothing of the fact that when I left, he was too early for his bus home, so went for a pint. We met some more, and things were going good. He invited me to his house on a Sunday, to walk my dogs and have dinner at his. This went on regularly for a few months before I was ready to bring him to my house to meet my kids. After all, I had never wanted to be the kind of single mother I constantly criticise. The kind who bring boyfriends home all the time. The kind that look like her kids have a different daddy every week or so. Everything went well though, the kids seemed to like him, and vice versa.
Next we went away for a weekend together. He took me to Holland, to Assen, to the Moto GP! Something I have a true passion for, but had never been to. He didn't come to the race though, claiming it wasn't his thing. I didn't mind, I went alone and had a great time. Alarm bells should've rang then. Initially we had planned to drive, but I didn't feel comfortable with this for some unknown reason. Oddly enough, he had a fainting turn before we were due to go, so I insisted we fly instead. Thank god I did. We had a bit of an argument on the Saturday night, as he drank an entire bottle of orange brandy liquor, AND a bottle of wine, within two hours.
When he's drunk, he becomes so completely obnoxious and arrogant. What we in Scotland refer to as "Barry big baws"
After that, I began to notice things, the regular smell of alcohol on his breath, the arrogant text messages and phone calls.
It didn't go unspoken of, and of course he agreed to stop drinking. For a couple of weeks, he was always insistent that I smell his breath, I did, it seemed fine. Then one day he turned up with a Thermos cup with coffee in it. He usually drinks tea. I smelled the cup, Irish coffee, blatantly. Then there was the mints, always eating mints. Weekends he'd claim to have gone to his family in Manchester, but could never be contacted.
Last weekend was one of those. He's asked me to stay at his house as his daughter was going away, I was reluctant so didn't give an answer. By the Friday, he told me he was going to Manchester. I said fine, but I would need to collect some straw for my sheep (kept in his stable), at some undisclosed point over the weekend.
On Saturday, my sister in law (and best friend) took the 50 minute drive to his house. Strangely, part of the road was closed, and we followed a diversion route. A diversion route that took us through the closest small town to his village, but one which I would not normally drive through. Who's standing up against the railings on the main Street? Obviously well intoxicated, having a smoke. I stopped, the look on his face confirmed my initial observation regarding his drunken state.
Grateful of my sister in law's presence, I kept completely calm, yet obviously not impressed by him. We drove to his house and I quickly collected the straw I so badly needed. Meanwhile he'd tried to get us to stay for dinner, or at least a cup of tea, all of which were quickly refused with me announcing I had to be back home as soon as possible. However, he managed to convince us to stay and meet the Shetland pony he was looking after. As we walked towards the field, his younger daughter was walking towards us, and he asked where the pony was. Now, I had often wondered why his daughter was frequently incredibly rude to him, but occasionally incredibly nice. On this occasion, it was the rudeness that prevailed. The shouting back and forth between them went on for a minute, with his daughter calling him an idiot. This displeased him, and he told her so. Her response was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle that you couldn't see the picture of, until the last piece was placed. Like an electrical circuit with her words being the last connection where everything lights up. "I'll stop calling you an idiot, when you stop drinking!!!"
At this point, I turned and walked to the van, I bid goodbye to his daughter and drove away.
Now, I'm ignoring his texts, which haven't even made any reference to Saturdays events. It's like it never happened, or maybe if he ignores it, he thinks it'll go away? If he ever sends something that's even close to something resembling a conversation, I'll let him know how I feel.
Seriously, it's not difficult, my kids know that, in fact it's incredibly simple, just don't lie to me. Whatever the truth is, it can never be as bad as lying to me.
Now? Now I feel like a hypocrite, like those mothers I've pointed the finger at. I let someone into my family by my own decision, and now it feels like it's no sooner started when it's over...!
IMG_8058.JPG