I have not drank in 36 days...

I honestly can't remember the last time I could say that. Even when I was at my healthiest, doing yoga, jogging daily I still drank a decent amount of wine once a week. It has been probably many years since I went 36 days without a drop of alcohol. I am not feeling the amazing effects of quitting drinking because I am a very sick person and I have auto immune issues that will take a long time to heal. I have already lost 8lbs however without any effort. I guarantee you if I were still drinking instead of going DOWN in weight I probably would be up about 8lbs which means I would likely be waddling around almost 20lbs heavier on my way to morbid obesity.

It's also gotten to a point where I am not constantly checking my "stop drinking" app to see how long I have been sober. It is becoming just days going by naturally without much thought about alcohol. I checked at my 30 day mark and not again until 36 days out of curiosity. 36 days ago the idea of stopping drinking terrified me and the first week was really hard. I was drinking heavily at that point, every day. I had given up on life, and on fixing my body. It was....bad.

I blacked out probably.... at least 6 times last year and usually woke up with serious injuries. Often bleeding along my scalp which is pretty scary when you think about it. I was barely escaping death every time I got so drunk I smashed my head into concrete or linoleum, a few inches in another direction and I could have hit my temple and not be here today writing this story. Not to mention I was suicidal. I still am but I am not actively suicidal. My life is hellish right now so, yes, the thought is there that it would be better off dead but the difference is that when I am sober I don't act on it. I observe it and let it pass and go about my day. When I was drinking I would play "Johnny Cash Hurt" or "Between the Bars" by Elliot Smith on repeat while chain smoking until I got the "courage" to hang myself. I can't really count how many times I tried to end my life last year but as you can find by looking back in my blog I almost succeeded once.

That surprisingly wasn't what made me stop drinking. That was just the first straw. I didn't want to quit badly enough. I still wanted to be dead if we are being honest. No, the thing that did it was seeing a doctor and getting on meds for my condition. Even though these meds aren't working and even though my urologist sucks and I want a new one I am now actively fighting this illness. This made me stop drinking. Hell, I even put aside my veganism for the time being in the interest of my health. Somewhere along the line I decided my life was worth fighting for again. I started to care about myself. THAT is when I quit drinking. Nobody else could stop me and I couldn't stop myself without at least a bit of self love.

Here's to me and my health. cheers