This will be a hard blog to write.
In a society that normalizes and even encourages binge drinking it can be hard to even tell if you have a problem. In my case, I am now 29, have multiple diseases that are worsened by alcohol, and am experiencing hives and vitamin deficiencies likely from drinking. So, it's safe to say the fact that I still keep convincing myself it's okay to drink a little is a problem.
A few things standing in the way of me and sobriety is boredom and being around booze daily. Because I am unable to go out for more than about 30 minute increments and am cooped up I tend to get bored couple that with a roommate that drinks regularly and an abundance of booze at arm's reach and we have ourselves a problem. Oh also, clearly I have an addictive personality.
However, as my conditions worsen and I learn more about just what will happen if I keep getting fatter with PCOS I am thinking I am ready to throw away any excuses. Women with PCOS tend to be overweight or obese because our bodies can't metabolize sugar or refined carbs and turn them into fat. Also, people with type 5 (like I have) suffer from insulin resistance. In my case, my interstitial cystitis also makes it very hard to work out much. This all lead to me feeling hopeless and kind of giving up. While I am not afraid of death in general I am certainly afraid of slow, bloated, type 2 diabetes death. Women with PCOS are far more likely to develop diabetes.
So what do I do?
I need to cut out beer and liquor altogether, clearly. I also definitely need to cut out sugar. I need to cut out refined carbs. This becomes hard for me because I am really poor and often was relying on ramen noodles. But I can at least replace that with brown rice. As I have mentioned I also have restrictions due to IBS, IC, and am vegan. So, it will be radical change.
How do I avoid falling off the wagon?
I don't have an answer to this and it's repeatedly my downfall. I make it for a week, 2 weeks, a month and then I am drinking. I can't really make it to meetings due to my issues. Perhaps an online support group? If any people here quit a very bad drinking addiction without the help of meetings while still being exposed to people who drink I would love some advice.
It is easy to lessen the issue by saying I deserve a nice IPA after a hard day's work and I DO work hard but how is something that is contributing to my illnesses and sending me straight into my death all while aging me prematurely a reward? I clearly need to reframe mentally what I consider to be rewarding. I need to learn to reward myself with healthy things. Time with my book and herbal tea, a nice bath. Anything but "just one beer" that becomes a 6-pack.
So, anywho, I am just writing this to get it out. To take accountability. To have it in writing that I am aware of the very real threat alcohol currently has over my life. I reinstalled the sober counter on my tablet and I am going to try again. I am going to try to distract myself from constantly thinking about not drinking. And have decided to take 3-4 15 minute walks around my neighborhood every day. Even if I can't be out for long I can be out in the sun for little patches throughout the day. I am not going to blog about this constantly and will only leave updates monthly on my progress.
The main thing that pushed me over the edge was adding up how many calories approximately I was consuming per week in alcohol which was nearly 4,000 extra per week. That is over 4lbs a month just based on drinking booze. PCOS definitely will make weight loss a lot harder but I can't pretend I am not running head-first into diabetes land by continuing to drink. I need to really start valuing myself and my life.
Now, I am just hovering and afraid to post this because it will really put it out there. I live far away from most of my friends and the extent of my drinking can remain hidden. Once I post this it is out there.
P.S. - Books can be really helpful for me in changing bad habits so if anyone knows of a good book about getting sober that might be enlightening, let me know!