Since returning home after my week in the hospital that was a result of nearly successfully ending my life I have been less...productive.
Since I can go through periods of serious over-working to an obsessive degree this initially made me feel ashamed and lazy. I beat myself up internally for spending the day reading a book or watching something on Netflix. Some days I didn't even do anything actively. I just kind of existed and then the day was over. It has now been weeks of this and I have been blogging and collecting ideas for future projects and working on some art but my pace has been that of a sloth.
But when my friend wrote me to tell me how I was a few minutes from being dead and she made it obvious how scared she was I realized that I am not doing so bad am I? I have appointments set to take care of my mental and physical health problems. The main disease that keeps driving me to the point where I want to die just to escape the pain is now in the process of being fixed. I mean I haven't even had the first appointment but it's set. I am sure my friends think me using my energy to try to get healthy and stay alive is plenty. I can't imagine them telling me right now that I am lazy. Well...actually one friend did write me to tell me just that while I was still in the hospital but we are no longer friends.
If you have been struggling with mental illness accept that sometimes all you can do is stay alive.
...and that's okay. Really! If you've thought about ending your life or tried to end your life and at this moment all you can do is try to relax and get your mental health in check that is fine and not a sign of you being lazy or lacking ambition and anyone who says so either has no understanding of mental illness or is simply trying to hurt you. Ignore them. Block them if they are really nasty and get back to your relaxation.
Some things to try if you need to relax and ground yourself:
- Create something artistically.
- Meditate
- Listen to a guided meditation
- Take a long bath
- Read a book
- Make some tea
- Light candles or incense
- Pet your fuzzy buddy if you have one
- Take a walk in nature if you are capable
- Let some sunlight into your home
These are all things I try to do when I am struggling mentally. I know they are all silly but they help distract me and offer me a small amount of comfort that is enough to get me through the day, or week. Try not to worry about how long you have been relaxing. Stressing about taking time off is not helpful. I know it's easier said than done. I am disabled and have bills and no regular job. I used to be terrified to take any time off but once I realized I let my headspace get so bad that I almost ended my life it scared me into shape. I needed the time off and it's helping me. A big part of that has been letting go of the guilt and shame that I felt when taking the time I needed.
If you need to take time off of talking to people do that too and if you have "friends" that harass you or try to make you feel ashamed for this by laying guilt trips on you get rid of them. Seriously, my life used to be filled with toxic people because I wanted to please them and feared confrontation. I also always gave people another chance. Stop it. If your friends can't respect you when you need some space get rid of them. I know a big piece of my stress used to be caused by friends that would repeatedly badger me to talk and manipulate my feelings. I feel mentally so much better since cleaning my life of toxic people.
So please go be kind to yourself and let yourself have a break when you need it.
