Being ready to take a step
You know what it is with second chances? Sometimes the timing’s not right.
You might think you’re blessed for being able to start a clean slate, yet, somehow along the way you can end up filling that same plate with the exact same bullshit -or worse- all over again.
But you can only realise that afterwards, when you’re given another chance. When you have the time to take a step back and look at all the dirty footsteps you left behind.
You might have taken the right turn at the time; letting go of a past you needed to move away from- which is an important first step of course. And it might have been the much-needed little push towards a better direction. But it sometimes do so happens that you still lose course after that initial steer on the wheel.
That’s why I’m feeling lucky today to be given another chance; after I was already granted a first ‘second’.
Double-back old footprints
When I was facing my 'original' fresh start, I just came back from spending some time abroad, where I gained my first work-experience. This particular job had put my relationship under pressure from the moment I signed the contract; which was months before my initial starting date. Mainly because the role required me to move away from the future we were building together, and I was being selfish for choosing 'me' over 'us'.. I did pull through, however, because I didn’t want to risk my boyfriend to become ond ov the reasons I, when I wouldn't taking the chance at all. So I left. Leaving everything and everyone familiar behind, for a job that I didn't even really knew what it entailed.
This pretty much describes who I was at the time: a restless young person (I'm still much much more of a 'Benjamin' rather than an adult btw), preferring uncertainty over routine. I'd rather would have jumped from cliffs without knowing what's below, than take the time to climb down and be sure to land on my feet.
After only a couple of weeks in this new work-life, however, I realised I genuinely disliked what I was doing everyday from 9 to 5 (which is a big understatement, as I often ended up leaving the office only around 8 or 9pm- if I was lucky). Still, it took me until learning of how one of the kindest and most honest persons I’ve ever met died, because of a dull accident during her internship. Only then I realised I shouldn't be wasting the time I was given everyday, doing something I hated.
One step forward, two steps back
I quitted that job and returned back home. That same night, my boyfriend and I ended things, tiered after all the effort we put in trying to keep ‘us’ together while being apart. To further break ties with the ‘old-me’, I decided to not return back to my parents’ house, but to rent a room for myself instead. I locked myself up for months in an attempt to finish my thesis, only to end up in my current state of still awaiting graduation.
As the money ran out, I started a job which could’ve been a great stepping-stone to re-launch my career. At least, if I had the sense of keeping that job back then. But while trying to keep all the plates spinning, and taking on everything that came onto my path -as I felt that that was what I had to do after starting over-, I started to slip.
Not only did I end up throwing away everything I was working on at the time; I crashed and burned all the bridges in the process as well. I woke up at a point where I had no job, no diploma, no love, no home, and I never felt more alone as I did back then.
Luckily, I found some sparks of determination to get back on my feet (not like I had any other choice). And for that, I can only thank the people that surrounded me and were there for me while I was facing my personal low-point. I will never be able to express how blessed I feel every day, for having such great friends and family I can call 'close to me'.
Step by step
After re-finding my balance, I enjoyed a solid period of 2 steady months where I didn't only create some routine in my life, but also took the time to look at the person that stared back at me in the mirror everyday. I realised I needed to think about what I actually wanted, and act more as the person who I wanted to be.
That’s why I’m happy for being back at square one, and why I appreciate that everything fell apart at the same time once more. ‘Cause now I know what pieces I want to pick up to further build my future with. Now I can appreciate the pole that smashed me down, and use it as my walking stick during my current and upcoming travels.
I needed to be ready for a second chance. And I’m happy to feel more ready now, than I did back then