The word "sorry" is probably one of the most misused words in the English language. Many people underuse the word, and others overuse it, but mostly people just throw it indiscriminately around as if they're trying to fix a botched cake by dumping sprinkles on it.
From the time we were little children, most of us were taught to always say "I'm sorry" when we perceive that someone else has a problem with our behavior. But we weren't taught to recognize when apologies are truly warranted, why apologies are important, and how to go about apologizing in a meaningful, genuine way.
Some people apologize for everything. If they use the wrong word, they apologize. If they're thirty seconds late, they apologize. They're sorry if they need to ask for something, and they're sorry if they can't go to lunch on Friday. They were probably raised in very strict environments with disapproving parents, and have grown into timid adults who fear disapproval from everyone in their lives. Needless to say, none of the above scenarios actually warrant an apology.
And then there are folks who never apologize for anything. Even when they've done something that warrants an "I'm sorry", they'll go to great lengths to avoid saying those words, even going so far as to blame their misbehavior on external circumstances, or even on the victim themselves. This type of person could benefit a lot from realizing that apologizing for wrong actions doesn't make you less than. When done appropriately and genuinely, it actually improves your relationships, gives people a reason to trust you, and lessens your own sense of guilt and failure.
So when is an apology called for? It's quite simple. If something you have done or said has hurt another person (especially a person you care about) physically, emotionally, financially, or in any other identifiable way, you should probably apologize. To get more specific, ask yourself:
- Have I cost the person time or money by my actions? (If so, you have wasted some of their life energy.)
- Did I say something cruel to them with the conscious or subconscious goal of hurting them? (If so, you have been emotionally abusive.)
- Did I spread rumors, untruths, or half-truths about them? (If so, you have damaged their reputation, as well as their trust in you, not to mention the ability of others to trust you after they heard you gossiping.)
- Have I been careless with their possessions? (If so, you have shown yourself to be inconsiderate, irresponsible, and perhaps untrustworthy.)
- Have I hurt them physically? (If you are an adult, and you have hurt someone physically in a case other than self-defense, you need to seriously reassess your values. A genuine apology is a small step in the right direction, but you must follow it up with respectful action to make it meaningful.)
There are other reasons an apology might be warranted, but these are the main five. Sometimes you might want to apologize because a misunderstanding has taken place. You may not have been able to prevent the misunderstanding, but if someone has been hurt or inconvenienced because of it, an apology can help set things right again.
One last important thing to note is that apologies are not just for authority figures. You can and should apologize to anyone you have hurt or harmed, no matter where they fall in hierarchical relation to you. You will be a better boss if you can apologize to your employees, a better partner if you can apologize to your significant other, and a better parent if you can apologize to your kids.
Voluntaryists and anarchists, take note! This is a skill-set we each need to learn to help us build a free, civil society.
So how does one go about crafting a genuine, heartfelt apology? Here are the five steps. If any one of these is missing, your apology is not complete.
1. Tell the person you've hurt that you are sorry.
Pretty obvious first step, right? Most people stop after this step. Don't do that! Continue on to step 2!
Say:
- "I'm sorry for breaking your widget."
- "I apologize for yelling at you."
- "I'm sorry for making you late for work."
DON'T say: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
When you say this, what you are really saying is that you have done nothing wrong and the other person is wrong for feeling hurt or slighted at your behavior. If you feel the need to say this, you are not sorry. Abort the apology and give it some thought to see if it is really warranted, or if you have some serious self-reflection to do.
2. Explain what you're apologizing for
Make sure the other party knows that you understand what you did wrong, and how it caused harm.
Say:
- "I know that widget was expensive and it was important to you. It will cost you time and money to replace it. I was careless with your belongings."
- "It hurts your feelings when I yell, and it's just not a very good way to express my emotions. I don't want to hurt you."
- "It was not cool of me to spend a half hour fixing my tie when I knew you were running late for work. I was selfish and inconsiderate."
3. Don't make excuses or try to deflect or share the blame.
Seriously. Don't. Even if you feel that the other person had something to do with the problem, that is not the point of apologizing, so just leave it out. You are apologizing to take responsibility for your part in the situation, not to force the other party to address theirs. And if you're making excuses, you're actually trying to shield yourself from accountability. Don't do that. Be a grown-up and take responsibility for your own actions.
DON'T Say:
- "You never told me how important the widget was; how should I have known to be careful with it?"
- "I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't been looking at me funny."
- "It's all because you organized the closet and I couldn't find my favorite green polka dot tie. If you would just leave things where they belong, I would have found my tie and you wouldn't have been late for work."
4. Offer to take some measure to resolve the harm you have caused, if possible.
This step could be called the "restitution step". It is a crucial ingredient to an honest apology. Not only are you letting the other person know that you feel sorry for what you've done, but you're trying to make it better. You have, perhaps in a small way, created a victim, and you are now trying to make them whole again.
Say:
- "I will give you the money to replace the widget."
- "I value you, and I want to help you feel better. Can I give you a hug?"
- "Since I made you late and wasted your time, can I help take something else off your hands, like an errand?"
And 4a:
You must follow through.
5. You don't have to say "I won't do it again."
Sometimes when people say "I'll never do it again", it cheapens the apology. That's because for some types of transgression (like punching someone), it should be completely, mindnumbingly obvious that you should never do it again, and if you ever do do it again, you're just a colossal jerk-bag. In this case, you don't need to say that you won't do it again. You just need to actually not do it again.
And then there are other times when to say "I'll never do it again" will ring as false, because it's the type of thing that you probably are going to do again, at some point, like forgetting to run an important errand. In this case, it is enough to express remorse that you have forgotten something and made someone's day hard. Instead of promising you'll never ever forget to do anything ever again, just make a commitment to work on your organization and time management skills.
And that's pretty much it.
If you can train yourself to apologize correctly, and actually mean it, your life will be much improved. Your relationships with bosses, employees, coworkers, partners, family, and friends will all benefit from knowing how to apologize. And if you have kids, be sure to teach them the proper way to apologize, too. It could lead to a better world.
