Dealing with this alcoholism thing really really sucks. I have read studies that indicate not to give up, because it does take on average multiple times of trying to quit before someone actually accomplishes the feat.
I must say I am truly becoming concerned about my alcoholism and health. My left side has had continuous pain for months. I believe it to be my pancreas, because the pain is accompanied with a metallic taste in my mouth. I am also having night sweats.
My primary care doctor ordered a CT scan in which nothing was found. A few months after, I went to the emergency room (directed by my primary care doctor) because I had a large amount of blood in the toilet one day. The emergency room also conducted a CT scan and found nothing. They also conducted blood tests. Everything came back normal.
I know I should be grateful that nothing was found. I am however concerned of the possibility that something is happening to my body because of drinking. I have read stories regarding people who have had their pancreas checked through blood work by their primary care doctor and everything came back negative. However their left side pain continued and it took a Pancreatologist to diagnose their pancreatitis.
So today... After a night of binge drinking... My hands are sweaty, my feet are sweaty, and my armpits are dripping. Essentially i am a walking sweat machine. If someone smelled me right now they would think I had been drinking all day. The alcohol smell is actually from last night. I've even brushed my teeth twice today and used Listerine but the alcohol smell smell is still there.
One of the worst feelings after I fail and pick up a drink is the negative shot to my self-esteem the next day. The continuous negative shots to my self-esteem obviously builds up overtime. The guilt and shame are also almost unbearable.
I know I must quit drinking or I'm going to either die or have serious health issues. One of the craziest parts is I have a familial example of seeing an alcoholic and the health consequences alcohol can bring.
My father is a functional alcoholic. A 12 pack a day has finally caught up to him this month. His liver and possibly pancreas are in very bad health. I was actually surprised when he told me because he is a private person. He even informed me that he was going to start taking medicine to help him quit drinking.
I was truly surprised because my father has always been very open about his drinking and has always told us that he wanted "to drink and always (would)". I am very proud of him and it has given me inspiration to try harder to battle this disease they call alcoholism.
I know many people reading this are probably thinking" well f**king quit drinking already". And I agree. I'm tired of always carrying the guilt and shame of failure. The weeks that I am successful with not drinking; I am very productive. Drinking makes me unproductive and unreliable.
I do seclude myself because of the shame. You can look at my yellowing eyes and brown rings around the pupils and know I am an alcoholic.
Why even write this post, You may ask?
For one, I would like to document my struggle with alcoholism so others may understand about this disease and what alcoholics go through. Secondly, I would like others to know that they are not alone in the struggle and give them the courage to not give up. Lastly, I hope this nightmare will have a happy ending and I would like the world to share it with me. Yes, it is scary to share your weaknesses. But, i have to own this if I'm going to grab it by the horns and kick its ass.
Thank you for reading this post and allowing me to share my feelings and struggle with you all. I'm not giving up. I know I will stumble. But I need to keep dusting myself off and keep trying. I know I can offer more to the world then just being an unreliable alcoholic.
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