I'm no pinnacle of moral standing for humanity I must admit.
But I've embraced this. I've learned that no matter how hard I strive to be a better person, there will always be a side of me that isn't too great.
Just recently I lost nearly $700 of my mates money on the POTcoin gamble. He said, "here, play about with that for a while and make me some cash" and I've yet to tell him what's happened. I've made it back since then, but I could have been 50% forward with his stake. This wasn't my money to use it recklessly with.
And then there was the time I allowed a member of staff, still intoxicated from the previous night before, on the premises. In my grand wisdom I had empathy for the bloke, being an ex alcoholic, and thought he'd sober up in an hour or two. He assaulted two other members and I was hauled over the coals for it.
Oh, yes, not to mention the time I got blind-eye drunk and went into a known bar that my service users drank at and called them all a bunch of lazy time wasting cunts.
Oh there's so much that I can say, like the time I financially manipulated my Granddad to fuel my drinking habit, and my mothers refusal to let me pay anything back as a staunch reminder of the guilt one can feel for getting involved in such things. In her mind, if I pay her everything back then I may stray from the path in some strange self-forgiveness.
It works, though.
And there's much more. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I think those for now will do. You see, in my quest for being a positive person I've had to embrace that this bad person, this person that can manipulate, lie and outright steal to get what he wants is always going to be there. It's part of me. It IS me. And in some strange moment of clarity it helps me deal with the guilt and the thought of getting involved in such a life or doing it again.
People in the past have said to me that it's a good thing that I beat myself up over the things I have done in the past, but the older and wiser I become I am more inclined to disagree with that. I feel a better person when I 'accept' I have done these things, nor can I 'change' them. It's part of my make-up. Psychologists in the past have told me to forgive myself, and I always wondered what they meant by that, because they've never been clear. But what really shone through for me was 'accountability' and 'acceptance'.
So I've clearly taken accountability for these things, put my hand up and said, "yup, that was me that did this" then I have accepted my failure and looked at ways to move on from it. My mistakes are always there with me, but they never hinder my progress.
And from this I say to people that always beat themselves up really, really badly - accept that there's a balance to your life, accept that you're going to fuck up now and again, and do bad things, accept that the people who self-pedestal themselves as pillars of humanity always have some dark, looming secret, and accept that your shite smells no worse than anyone else.
When you get in this mindframe it's time to start looking at a more positive outcome from your life. We're all human, we all make mistakes, and we all dance with the devil occasionally.
I found through bitter experience that the better a person I was trying to pass myself off to friends, colleagues, managers, and the harder I strived for perfection and acceptance, the less I was taking time to analyse my weaknesses and failures in life. And it's always best to identify with them to figure out a better way not to repeat them.
Look on the positive side, yep, but accept and recognise when you've fucked up!
Peace, friends,
