Today I find myself a little overcome with emotions. I've been told when one breaks free of chemical dependency, the emotions that were dulled or numbed by the drugs come back because they haven't been dealt with. Well, today I am bombarded with these feelings.
Last May I lost my Mother. I thought I had already felt that loss. Guess there's a lot more pain here for me to try and deal with. Wave after wave. I miss her so much. For the last few years of her life, I was in a very dark place. Unable to enjoy what little time I had left with her. And now that the depression has lifted and the meds are no longer clouding my mind. I'm left with tremendous guilt and sadness. Because I couldn't be present in her life as she neared the end. She didn't get a chance to see that her son was going to be ok. I know she prayed every day that I would get well and get back to living life.
I'm not a religious person per say. But her prayers have been answered. I just wish she was with me now, even for just a little while. So I could show her the love that I've always had for her. I wish I could have been there for her, to ease her suffering. Diabetes killed my mom, it was slow and awful. And I spent the last couple years of her life in a dark room literally. Depression and the meds kept me paralyzed for ten years. I just want so to hug her so very much, and whisper in her ear " I love you and I'm ok now". Damn