I previously posted about my cancer treatment and how Dungeons & Dragons helped get me through it, contributing to my current state of being cancer free. To tag on to that theme, I wanted to share my story about how getting into cryptocurrency has staved off what could of turned into a crippling depression after I returned to "normal" life.
My chemo treatment finished in August of 2016. I was deemed well and could acclimate back into the world without fear of a weakened immune system, skin sensitivity to sunlight, or succumbing to further physical issues. I was, for lack of a better term "cured". They can't officially tell you that you are cured of cancer if you are past a certain point because the scary truth is, they just can't know for sure. I'm one of those lucky people. So, with that, I was told that it would take a couple of months to get back as much brain power and nerve sensitivity in my feet and hands that were damaged during chemo by some of the drugs that are administered in conjunction with the actual chemotherapy.
I took it easy and started putting together my resume and set up some portfolio work for the assumed onslaught of interviews that would surely be coming my way after going through something so horrible. I was ready to get back to a life I remembered. It did not go as well or as fast as I had hoped.
I remember my fifth rejection email, stating I was "overqualified". I began thinking, "was this a compliment or a cop out?". I kept at it for months and only two interviews, one of which ended up becoming the job I would ultimately have today. I was a graphic designer by trade and was hired for that position at a local mid-sized printer. I was excited for the opportunity and was glad I would be dipping my toes into the water at a smaller company instead of the large corporation environment I had been accustomed to working for.
My first day I showed up on time and eager. I filled out the typical new hire paperwork that says I won't use the computers for my own amusement and won't sell secrets to Russian intelligence and won't make my own money on the printers when I'm alone. You know... the usual. I was then sent to do some training in the back to see how their workflow procedures took place. I waited about an hour where they told me and no one showed up to train me. Turned out the guy who would of trained me was ill that day and he called in sick but no one thought to come tell me. Red flag? Maybe, but we move on.
The CEO of the company, who was also the hiring manager that offered me the job, told me that portion of training might have to wait until the next day and wondered if I'd give another job responsibility they needed filling a try. I of course obliged and wanted to make a good first impression and show how eager I was to work there. Just to have a paycheck coming in was nice, but to be around people again...it was like nothing I could describe if you haven't gone through it. I'm a home body, you see. I like my privacy. One thing cancer gives you however, is too much of it. Imagine a year of being alone for the most part. The internet can only fill that hole of loneliness so much. Eventually you go stir crazy and crave human contact. This was overload to me and I was enjoying every awkward minute of it!
After I agree to try the new position out, it fits, I end up taking over the department and bam, directorship by my sixth week. Things move forward, I get a pay increase, insurance is active, 401k is set up, I'm back in the game. Paying bills, going to happy hours, hanging out with my kid and my playing video games when I'm bored. The problem was after that all wore off, I found myself with one dark revelation. This. Isn't. Life.
What we all think of as "life" was so clearly a form of controlled conditioning that had been placed on me, no, us. I began to breath heavy. Food tasted bland again, like when I was in treatment. Hanging out became a nightmare for me. I no longer craved the life I was so desperately wanting to get back to.
Secretly I had become depressed with the motions of the day. Get up, take a shower, get dressed, drive to work, make someone else rich, punch out, drive home, kiss my kid and my girlfriend, sit on a couch, order food, stare at a tv/phone/computer screen, go to sleep. Next day? Rinse and repeat. I could no longer accept the new, old life. I couldn't relate to people and their petty problems. There was no longer an excuse for tardiness. No longer a reason for not doing your best. Not doing your job. Not following through on responsibility. Problems became irrelevant to me. Tolerance for others mistakes that were made over and over again became very low. Personal issues that were of a "first world problem / don't know how good you have it" nature were no longer something I could lend a sympathetic ear to. I had changed.
That heroic visage of a man full of compassion and hope and joy found through the camaraderie of Dungeons & Dragons had faded away and I was becoming the villain in my own hero origin story. I started to feel numb. Going through the motions. Emotionless. In a way, I felt like a god must feel about an insignificant creation. Not to sound egotistical, but it was a lot like I'd transcended this hovel of life by going through something that surely spelled death for me. I came out of it alive, but not unscathed. A part of me had died. Truly.
I did finally realize that this realization that we are just rats in a maze of capitalism with no exit was creating a deep well of depression inside. I was in a rut and it was deep. I wanted nothing, I felt nothing, I was headed into my own head with out a torch or a map to guide me. I would want nothing more than to be alone or sleep. I would eat emotionally and gained sixty pounds. I was unhappy, uncertain and unlove-able. I struggle with my self worth, my emotional ties to those I know I love in my heart. Even those close to me who held me up through treatment. Like my girlfriend. I love her so much and want to repay her somehow for all the support she gave me without so much as a frown on her face when times were tough. I owe her. I owe them. Everyone in my corner when I was sick. This compounded my depression.
The darkness was all around me, even in broad daylight, surrounded by love and friendship and it blinded me to my happiness.
Enter Coinbase -
One of my friends had shown me the app just about the time I had started my job. I had always been interested in bitcoin but didn't know much about it. Slowly but surely I had put money aside and watched it grow from a few dollars to a few hundred to a few thousand. September of 2017 I saw the potential and started to focus more on investing. This turned into research, which in turn turned to exchanges like Binance and hitBTC and the onslaught of alt coins. In the beginning I was just eager to see what I could do with all of this new tech and the market was full of life. It brought a smile to my face watching my pocket change grow into a small savings.
I feel the depression receding even on bear market days and double digit losses. I'm involved with the future of the world. The future of currency. The future of everything if you really want to get serious about everything that these technologies are involved with. I'm in that gold rush with the rest of the cryptomancers. It's like magic, bringing me back from the deadness of life. That's what depression is. Dead Life. Empty. In this...I can feel again. The excitement, the rush, the possibilities that are open to me with investing. Don't get me wrong though, this is not exciting in an addictive, gambling sort of way. Like I said. Even in a down market I feel a part of something that lives and will grow. It may also crash and burn, but that's the chance I'm okay with. All things worth anything in life come with chance. It is changing me into something more. Who can say that? Maybe I'm just weird?
So has the blockchain in it's infinite list of possibile use case scenarios cleared my own depression? I don't know, but if whatever this bottled lighting that has put me back on the path of enjoying a life of joy were a coin, I'd be HODLing with as much investment power I could muster.