Marriages are there to sustain, to develop, to mature. That’s my definition of a marriage but I have always wondered why mine didn’t fall in that category. I have always thought of marriage as a couple in a ship that goes through all kinds of seasons; it starts in the sunrise, moves onto some piercing sunshine, falls in to some really cool evenings, sails through some calm seas in the dancing moonlight. It does pass through some storms on the way but always ends up okay at the shore. Now, why didn’t mine make it to the other end? My misery has always been a mystery to me and I guess it will always remain so!
I haven’t been in many relationships. The only one which I had transformed into marriage! I had always loved my first cousin. He was my uncle’s son and we passed our childhood in each other’s company. From childhood to teenage years; and from teenage years to adulthood we picked the same schools, were in the same classes and finally graduated in the same subjects.
Immediately after graduation he proposed to me. This was what I had been waiting for since ages. Who was I to say NO to that…? I instantly said yes! Our parents had no issues. We had a pretty decent wedding ceremony, a beach side one, which I had always dreamt of.
Life goes on and times does fly by. I was 28 by then and we had been happily married for 2 years. My husband was in the auto sales business. It was during this time that recession hit. We already had decided not to have kids till his business got established decently. That recession definitely changed our daily mode of living. We had to shift from our larger apartment to a smaller one. The society which I had been used to transformed. But being a good wife, I remained true to my vows…for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part….!
I tried to provide solace for my troubled dear husband. I tried to comfort him when he returned home in the evening. I even asked his permission for applying to a job; to which he adamantly said no. The more I tried to gain, the more I lost. I tried to reach out to him and he shunned my extended hands and always fell back.
Towards the end of our marriage days, I began to sense a change in his behavior. He had begun to avoid me. He used to come home late. At first I thought it was the business pressure peaking, but from a common friend in the workplace I came to know that he left early as before. This was too much for me. I had to do something.
One evening I followed him back from his workplace. I was shocked to see him enter a bar. He had never been a drinker. I waited, hurt; by the roadside. He came out an hour later and went onto a nightclub to cheapen himself and our relationship in the bed of some market woman.
I returned home. I cried my heart out. I had already decided to confront him. When he came home I asked where he had been all this time. I told him that I had called at his workplace and he wasn’t there. He said that he had been out on a business meeting. This was too much for me. I told him flat out that he can go to hell with the woman he had just returned from. He realised that he couldn’t hide anymore. He pleaded. Asked me to stay; said that he would never do any such thing again. But trust once gone is never to be found again. I left him.
I have always wondered what I had done to deserve this. And I could never come up with an answer. I would never have wanted the things to turn out as they did… But my unsuccessful marriage had been the last nail in the coffin. I have never been able to trust anyone since my divorce…