I lack confidence. I lack it in myself, and I lack it in others, so I always need reassurance. I don't get it enough, not even from those I need it most. It's not that they aren't willing to provide it, it is that I need too much of it. I don't usually ask for it from anyone but my boyfriend (i.e. my favorite person, which can be known as a borderline term). The extent in which I would request it, to someone who didn't sign up to be so close to me and isn't very familiar with my disorders, would not be acceptable. My boyfriend and I go over things daily, clearing up problems and making sure we communicate well with each other- or at least I would like to think this is reciprocated, and that is where the reason for these few paragraphs begin.
I can't figure out whether or not this relationship has a healthy balance unless the proportions are so out-of-line that they are extremely diagonal on a teetering scale, and even then my insight blurs. I am sure it can be hard for anyone but I feel it can be harder for me when my mind can be so convincing that he can't possibly be telling me the truth all of the time. It is difficult to explain how high I hold honesty. I expect it to be given to me 100%. I've had trust issues for as long as I can remember, which were only worsened by the relationship I was in previous to this one, but I find myself stuck when it comes to anger and blame; finding it unfair to place all on the liar when I feel I was the one who created them.
I feel I am to blame for the lies I have been told because of my behavior and emotional reactions. Having borderline personality disorder, I can be thrown from one extreme emotion to another over what seems to be such a minuscule and insignificant thing, and it happens a lot. With my significant other it can be over them forgetting to tell me they went to the store (so the lie would be that they didn't go, etc), that they talked to someone at work, that they changed what they were doing from what they last told me. The level of pain I experience increases depending on the scenario. There is a lot more to it, but that is a mild and simple example. It is exhausting, frustrating, uncomfortable, and unpleasant for all involved. Because of this, nobody wants to tell me anything because of how I will react. I try to control my reactions and I see how ridiculous they are. I realize I shouldn't feel pain from the things that I do feel pain from. I shouldn't feel like ending my life because my boyfriend asked to hang out with his friend. I shouldn't feel like all the love in our relationship was fake because he forgot to tell me he was making a sandwich!
Lying makes the reaction so much worse when I find out and it threatens my safety. It makes me hate you for awhile and it forever damages the trust I began to cautiously build. It causes some of the worst emotional pain I can possibly experience and as a result I am afraid of how my brain will try to cope. I don't know why things are this way, why I react over you being human, but I will continue to strive for improvement. I sound like such a horrible person, but I really am so much more than the temporary outbursts of dysregulated emotion.
