As we're coming to the end of the year, I've been thinking a lot about the things I've learned this year in my marriage...
John & I got married earlier this year in March! Being the goofs we are, we laughed throughout our wedding day, and instead of loving gazes, I'm pretty sure we had funny faces on most of the time! We're definitely a silly couple and we have a lot of fun together, but we've definitely also had our bouts in the 5 and a half years of dating, and even so on in our super lengthy 9 months of marriage. I definitely learned a lot & experienced God's grace in many ways, and continue to fail but learn and grow all the same.
Obviously, I know 9 months isn't the longest and I'm certainly not the wisest, but I thought maybe what I've learned can help others who might find themselves in similar boats, or learning similar things, plus I wanted a way to remember these things if I ever need to in the future!
01. D O N ' T walk out, margarette
This is probably obvious one to most of you, but is there anyone else who struggles with fighting the urge to just walk out in the heat of an argument? Going from having my own room & my own space to being around John 24/7 was a little hard. Hah! There were moments where when we got in heated arguments (we're not yellers, thank God), & I'd get so overwhelmed and frustrated with John that I'd walk out in anger, not telling him where I was going or when I'd come back.
Yeah, I know that sometimes space is needed, like maybe coming to a conclusive time or space to think and calm down, but I think my idea of walking out was both wanting space but also more terribly to secretively to hurt John in a little way. It sounds terrible, I know, but I'm taking a moment to be honest because after talking to some girlfriends, I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with walking out or doing something else in hopes to get even. So I hope for those of you who can relate, this both helps you know you're not alone, and also helps you figure out how to be better at not doing it in the future.
Maybe "don't be selfish" would be a better, more straight forward title, haha! But I just named it "don't walk out, margarette" because specifically that's the one thing I did most & had to keep myself from doing most often. :( I'd honestly just walk around the block and then come back (because I'm chicken), but walking out in the first place made me feel like I "had the power" in the relationship to some extent.
You really just can replace "walk out" with any act of selfishness to "get back at" your significant other and really trying to make them feel the same way you feel, or feel worse. It's a decision you decide to make on your own that really does nothing for your relationship. In the end, when I'd walk out and come back, seeing the effects of my sinfulness and how I hurt John never made me feel any better.
The solution is pretty easy, stop being selfish right? But it was something that in the moment I needed to train myself to be more aware and cautious of doing. I'm happy to share that I haven't just walked out for a couple months now! In those moments where I feel like doing it again, I've learned to instead sit still and try to listen better. And if I'm too frustrated, I pray about it and ask for help with being patient.
I've found that reciting 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 to myself has been most helpful! It stings a bit because it called out all the deeper sin I was feeling, but it hurt "good" as it called me to seek God's love and learn to give it, too.
" Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
It'd be hard to walk out or do something selfish when I read right there what love really is and is intended to be. How can I be a loving wife if I didn't love on John properly even in the tough times?
Now, if I do need space by walking around the block I make sure to ask John if that's okay with him, or I work with him to see what would be best. We work to make it a joint decision.
02. we are a T E A M
Something we were taught early on in our dating relationship (over & over again), was that we needed to work as a team rather than against one another during the tough times. This is something we definitely learned and practiced more once we were married! The sooner we grounded this in our problems, the easier it was to work through things.
It's easy to feel attacked and to defend yourself and attack back. It's a pretty "natural" thing to revert to. But in reality, paired with learning to really love one another, we needed to learn that when we fight, our end goal needed to be growing together rather than being right.
Of course there are moments where obviously I was right... just kidding. Haha! But it would feel that way! At the end of the day, I realized that if my heart in it all was not to help work something out with John, I was fighting to be a winner instead of trying to help better our relationship.
We both learned to check our intentions. Sometimes figuring out what is right & wrong is important when it deals with Truth, but the difference often times lies in our intentions. Even if I'm right, am I humble in it? Am I being gracious in it? Am I pressing to share this truth with the intention of helping John or our relationship? Am I trying to make sure we're on the same page, or am I just trying to win an argument?
We found that having the honest intention of working together as a team can make a huge difference in how we settle things. I say honest because really, there are moments when we say our intention is good, but really was it? It takes some real honest & hard heart checking sometimes haha!
Sometimes just saying it out loud, "let's remember we're on the same team", can be helpful for the both of us, too!
A verse that also truly aided us in our strives to work together as a team comes from James 1:19.
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;"
I've worked on being a better listener and really checking my intentions before saying anything. :)
03. don't forget W H Y
Lastly, another thing that we were told while were dating in college that has carried on to help me in our marriage now has been to remember why we liked one another in the first place. My discipler, Karen, told me that writing out reasons why I love John and chose to marry him, would be incredibly helpful in those moments where I felt like I disliked him. Often my dislike was the effect of some cause, and it wasn't an overall feeling but something in the moment. So I learned to be better at recalling the things I liked about John.
I think over just the actions and things he'd do, I had to really think about his character. Who is John? What about his character and the man he is do I value and love? It also helped me look at situations a little clearer, and give him more of the benefit of the doubt.
So I wrote down things like how he's generous, always been faithful, someone I can be a complete dork with, and how he seeks God's will over his own. I wrote down moments where I was grateful for him, ways he's supported me, how he's been an encouragement in my life. And in those moments of frustration and feeling like he didn't care, it has become easier for me to recall on his character and who God has allowed him to be in my life. It's also helped in encouraging him in what areas I value and appreciate.
Overall, I think encouragement and affirmation can go a long way in relationships, too! Remembering why I liked John in the first place has been so beneficial in our relationship! I hope it's helpful in yours! :)
I'm not sure if really these are the biggest things I've learned so far, but I think if I were to physically talked to any other newly weds or really to myself again at the start of our marriage, these are things I'd share with them/myself. :)
Hopefully you don't think I'm a completely horrible person, but I've been so grateful for people who were willing to be honest in their life about their short comings, and I hope to be helpful with my own!
I think really, if I've learned anything, it's just that God's grace is so much greater than I could have imagined and I am just so thankful for Jesus. John & I have so much to grow in, and while we're imperfect, I'm glad our hope rests in something greater than ourselves.
Happy Saturday! :)