This is going to be my thought outloud.
Now that i have been in a very happy relationship for almost a year, I can say I have figured out what kind of mindset helped me to get there in a first place.
Before that I was dating. But I always ended up dating wrong people — not bad (although some of them were pretty doushbag-ish from time to time), but just not the kind of people that were right for me.
There can be a dozen reasons why young girls like me might get into toxic relationships with man — we all have our own issues and insecurities. For me it was low self-esteem and a desire to date ‘a cool guy’.
Since my secondary school years, I have been a perfectionist. I wanted to get all A´s, did a big amount of extracurricular activities, helped my parents with my siblings.
When I was 18, I passed exams to get to a college in Helsinki, Finland. I moved to Helsinki all alone from Kyiv, got a job ( I was really lucky to find one really fast). And there my dating life started. Almost all the time I spent working. Since maybe 14. I was either studying, or working, or helping at home. I had very little social life back in Ukraine. As I moved to Helsinki, I knew literally nobody — zero people. So I had to build a network around me.
First two years were the toughest — I had a job as a housekeeper. The job was exhausting, we are staff were treated bad, I had to combine the job (3 jobs at some point) with the college. It made me feel bad. It made me feel like I was worse then other people.
And that was the first — and the major reason why screwed at finding the right guy — was because I did not know my own worth. I was seeking for an approval from guys, that ´please, please, Love me! ´ expression on my face was quite obvious. I was seeking for somebody to show me affection, somebody to make me happy. Now I am telling you, this is a right way to fail at any relationship — to rely on somebody to make you happy.
Time passed, after almost two years I found a better job in my field (I am a programmer). And that moment I decided that I am worth it.
I started to look out for a guy who would be smart, interesting, funny, reliable. And most of them were older then me. And yes, we had fun together. But there were not right for me. They just wanted to have fun with a cute smart girl with an interesting job. It was not me that they wanted — it was a fact that they wanted to brag to their friends they are dating a ´programming chick´, which apparently sounds cool in Finland.
No matter how interesting, smart, sexy, cute and rich they were, it all does not count as long as they are not into YOU.
And after one not-so-successful relationship I told myself `Fuck it!´.
I downloaded Tinder. And met a few guys from there. Surprisingly, there were nice guys! And they all wanted a long-term love relationship. But at which point I decided to start dating one of them? How did I decide that that person was right for me?
See, people (and especially girls) spend time watching videos on ´how to attract him(her)´topics, spend time and money to look sexy, and seem a perfect person.
And a lot of time they try to play somebody they are not, just to keep a date close. But this is what i have learned:
the man that comes into your life has to make your life happier. Better. Easier.
This is really that easy. If you are always worried about keeping him interested, you select your outfit for hours because you are scared he might critisise you, if he tells you anything like ´your (body part ) is too (big/small/tall/long/whatever)´ — ask yourself why are you with that person. And think twice about why you should sacrifice your personal time/feelings/money/energy to meet his expectations.
Especially if you are a working person, you wants to have a good career / studies / plan a family — think twice why you wanna invest in a person who is not ok with who you are.
This is something I failed to do — so had a couple of torturing relationships. But you will be smart, right?
The man I am dating now makes me very happy — he takes care of me when I am sick, he brings me flowers every week, he provides me with his support when i need it.
And yes, I met him on Tinder (give it a shot, it is always worth to try).