For six years I held a super cushy position with a local hospice organization's IT department. I wouldn't call what I did "work" as that only encompassed about 15-20 minutes of each day which amounted to the equivalent of changing a lightbulb. A little boring really. The only way I lasted for six years lies upon the fact that I worked in a remote office, miles away from my corporate bosses and this allowed me great freedom within my position to basically do whatever I wanted, so long as I was available by cell phone and email for tech support calls, and meetings throughout the week. I did not do what I wanted though. I spent a great deal of my time at first, dealing with my sick spouse and worked a lot from home, unbeknownst to my colleagues. She was a total handful and it's a damn good thing I had such a position where I could be away from my job more than I was there - I got away with a LOT. Ultimately the stress became too much for both of us and the relationship became toxic, so we ended it after six years. Before that time, boredom rarely ever entered my experience because of the great stress I was under.
You are not really yourself when you are fully enveloped in a toxic relationship and it is only when you are released from it that you see the toxicity. In my early 20s, I was still obsessed with being in a relationship and so I sought it out more than other life pursuits. I put academics, career, savings, and spiritual growth on the back burner to find a woman. The problem is, I got into toxic relationships because they were the easiest and seemingly most promising at the beginning.
When I was new in California back then, I knew almost nobody and had nothing. I was single and mostly alone for three years and during that time I read many books to pass the time at work and on the bus. It turned out to be a time of pretty significant spiritual growth and I started to really wake up back then and gravitate to spirituality more than relationships. But I allowed lower-vibrating people into my life and my ego won instead. I spent the next 13 years in very unbalanced relationships that would ultimately bankrupt me and fuck up any chance of success in the material world for years to come. The women I chose to be with were never into the spiritual stuff I was into, so I ended up dropping those ideas and forgetting all about it; after I while I was no longer my true self and completely immersed in materialism again. This is the ego's greatest weapon against spiritual growth - distractions.
Now I was alone again and that old familiar feeling of self-reflection began to creep back into my consciousness. Since I was stuck in the office with no real excuses to leave, I just started to delve into various spiritual youtube channels and I began to awaken once again. I found myself in an existential crisis because I had wasted so much of my youth of material bullshit! By that, I mean the relationships! My job! I started to really ponder what was important in life; I still do not have the complete answer to this, but I know that it is not found in any relationship, career, or other material objects in life.
Relationships need to be based on spirituality first, not materialism. I imagined this to be so in all of mine, but it was just an illusion - a fantasy drawn up and projected by my own mind. Each relationship was a fairy tale that both of us fell for during that honeymoon phase. Both of us imagined how awesome our lives would be together and how everything would be perfect and great! But then the longer we stayed together, the more we realized it was not anything like the fairy tale we'd imagined in the beginning. That's because the relationship was based on materialism and not spirituality. Each of these relationships was characterized by a give and take reward system - we used each other! This not without purpose, it's ingrained in our very human nature, from centuries of evolution. We are driven naturally to seek these types of relationships. However, the purpose of this was for the physical survival of the human race. That's materialism, or at the very least, infatuation, not true love. True loving relationships exist for the sake of love itself and need nothing from each other. Giving is done because each partner loves to give. This is sustainable in theory, but I have never been in such a relationship; I only imaged it to be so (oh the power of the ego). I am aware of this now where I was not before.
Through this second awakening, I found myself in a bit of a nihilistic frame of mind. I have always enjoyed a good conspiracy theory but now I see that many are becoming conspiracy fact. It's like I was taken up in an elevator of consciousness and now I can see such a larger part of the whole system. Basically, materialism is bullshit and the world's leaders engage in massive lies to keep most people from waking up as I did because they greatly benefit from everyone staying asleep like in the Matrix - they love their material world and power that they have accumulated. There is deep seeded mind control going on with the masses. Seeing this system from such a perspective, I can no longer allow myself to fall into my old ways and to succumb to that system. Needless to say, I left my corporate IT job six months later when the opportunity presented itself. I was found in violation of company policy, so I simply took the opportunity to leave at that time and have not looked back since.
This is completely new territory for me. I was raised in a very materialistic, although religious, family and brought up to think I was supposed to live the way my parents did. Gain information about the world in order to make money and accumulate material goods - oh and go to church and read the Bible (which contradicts everything they wanted me to do). When I woke, this notion was turned on its head. Everything I've done - college, various relationships, careers, and various material accomplishments! All completely meaningless and have been nothing short of a waste of time!
Or was it? At the very same time, I also realize that perhaps it could not have happened any other way! I had to go through all that bullshit and piss away 20 years of life to realize that these things are meaningless! So now what? I'm woke. I won't pursue marriage again; I don't need anything from anyone. I ruined my college career over a relationship and see no reason to go back to college when information is free and abundant online. And I feel that the IT position was the last actual job I'll ever have with an actual company. I find it all to be very evil and yes, I know that evil has its place in reality too, but I choose not to be a part of it or support it any longer. So I really have a problem paying taxes now, knowing it is used for pure evil - literally killing innocent people all over the world and destroying the environment. I really have a problem getting a "job" again knowing that the company is part of that same destructive system. In fact, I want almost no part of society. There are very very few organizations that have transcended their own collective egos and engaged their business in harmony with the earth. So here I am. To be honest, I only see myself downsizing and minimizing from a materialist lifestyle to a spiritual lifestyle. That could mean I end up homeless or a hermit because my values have changed.
I have never been a magnet for money, but perhaps seeking spiritual goals will balance this aspect of my life as well. I think deep inside, my higher-self led me down this path, away from material pursuits and that's why they have always failed for me. I actually get a gutwrenching feeling when I have to do something that is out of alignment with my higher-self. I believe I am guided by spirits in this life and they have brought me to this point, even to writing this article. Success on a material scale may still happen for me, if it is in fact in alignment with my higher-self; then and only then can it have any meaning. I just follow my heart and so far, when I pursue money or material goals, I can almost feel that chakra closing. So today, I have followed my heart here. I have no idea why I wrote this, but I hope that someone finds it inspirational and can learn from it.
