For fu*k sake, I wish I could have a nice week. This week was looking up, the first week in a long time where I actually thought 'Hey maybe I'm going to be okay.' BUT boom here come the emotions. It's all to do with the ex and with the shit he keeps feeding me and I keep believing.
I don't know why I'm so gullible. Well, actually I think I might know. When we first moved here I was the loneliest I've even been and I welcomed something into my life called 'Clinical Depression.' So many people have had depression and so many people will be able to relate to me when I say it feels like nothing can make you whole again, like you'll never be that happy person you once were. It can happen at any moment, at any time, you could be having your first good day that you've had in months, but little old depression won't like that at all and she'll chase you down until you feel worthless again.
I guess you could say recently that's been happening to me. I don't particularly like talking about it but it helps me to write about it. So when I think of losing my ex, I think of being alone again and what that will do to me. No matter how shitty he is towards me and no matter how many times I'm told to apologise for something I haven't done, I will always go back to him. Sounds crazy but he's the only person I have.
Don't get me wrong, he's not the devil, we've had some pretty great times together but recently everything's turned to shit. So many people have said that you can't be friends with your ex and I'm starting to understand why. It's hard, it's hard to hear him tell me he loves me and then the same day he'll be messaging girls on Facebook telling them how hot they are and boasting about it to his friends. How can you love someone and do that?
I feel very used. I help him out every single day and never ask for anything in return, nor do I ever get anything in return.
I remember lying in bed next to him crying into my pillow because of how he made me feel. But yet I still stayed and I continue to stay. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave.
I don't understand love or relationships and this one has definitely put me off forever. I just don't want to go back to that place I was in before, I can feel myself slipping more and more each day. No matter how happy I try to make myself feel, nothing works. Suggestions?
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,
Meliss
Image Cred: https://www.flickr.com/photos/davidfross/6083954280/