Recently I've been feeling very down about everything and I've had this feeling before but I'd just love if there was a simple and easy way to make it go away. Unfortunately there's not. I don't want to get all 'deep and personal' but at the age of 15/16 I suffered with clinical depression. Now, for any of you who don't know what that is it's feeling depressed, losing interest in activities that you once loved, and just generally not enjoying day to day life. It was one of the worst times of my life but unfortunately since I had depression it's never completely gone away.
I was 15 in the above photo and although I may look happy it's very easy to fake a smile.
My parents thought that it all started because I had no friends (We'd just moved countries - this is what sparked it) and they were half right. We had old friends over here who had a daughter the same age as me, we were complete opposites. Her parents organised my 16th birthday party for me at their place. It had only been a few weeks since we moved and going to someone's house who I haven't seen in years and being around their friends and family just didn't interest me. I went anyway.
It was honestly my worst birthday. I wanted to cry the whole time because it was so hard sitting there, watching them all be happy when I felt so miserable. These weren't my friends or my family they were just strangers to me. The car ride home was quiet, I remember my Dad needing to pick his car up from work so we drove and got it. My dad and brother both got out and into my dad's car leaving myself and mum. My mum looked at me and said 'Let it out' and at that moment I burst into tears. I was in so much pain and crying was the only release. I was so lucky to have parents who understood what I was going through.
I don't like thinking about that night or talking about it. It was definitely one of my lowest points.
I find reading and writing helps. It's something I love and have a passion for. When I'm feeling down I read or write because I need to get away to another world for a few hours. Depression makes me feel trapped so being able to completely surround myself with another persons story I just feel a little bit better. Unfortunately it doesn't make the feeling go away forever, and slowly but surely it creeps back and here I am feeling shitty again.
If anyone's got any tips on how to deal with depression I'd love if you could share them. And for anyone dealing with depression at the moment just know that life's worth it and don't give up. I felt like giving up but I'm so glad I didn't. I look at my life now and see everything I would've missed and thank myself for not giving up.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time,
Meliss