I feel lost, as if I’m searching for something that doesn’t want to be found. Every day is a struggle to keep up with the rest of the world. I’m falling behind, I know I am, but how do I keep up? Everyone seems content in their worlds, as if they’ve got everything figured out. I know this isn’t the case but you’re all good at hiding it, hiding the confusion of life.

I don’t like routines and yet I’m stuck in one. I can’t get out of this routine because it’s my life, my day to day schedule. I wake up at 7am, get dressed, do my hair and makeup and by 7:30am I’ve got to be in the kitchen getting the animals ready for the day. Let the dogs out, feed the cat, refill the water bowls, get treats out and clean any accidents that may have happened throughout the night. After that’s done I make myself breakfast and lunch. This usually consists of a sandwich for lunch and a breakfast drink. By 7:45am I’m in the bathroom brushing and flossing my teeth. By 8am I’m out of the house and on my way to work. I’m so stuck in this routine even on days where I can sleep a little longer, I don’t. I even have an after work routine. Leave work at exactly 5:29pm (a minute early, because why not?!), get home at 6pm, let dogs out, get changed, let dogs in & go to the gym, all by 6:15pm. Then I’ll come home, have a shower, cook dinner and FINALLY sit down and watch Netflix.

I guess I’m struggling at the moment because I’m failing to see the point in everything. Why do we have to work for other people, why do we have to work at all.. what’re we working towards? Some of us are bettering the world and doing some amazing things while others don’t get so lucky in their job choices. I don’t want to be a Receptionist forever as I don’t see myself going anywhere. If I stay where I am now all I can see is getting old, maybe finding someone, getting married, having some children and settling. I can tell you now, I don’t want to settle. I want my life to mean something more than settling. That doesn’t mean I want to be famous, I’m not smart enough to stop global warming but I want my life to mean something to me.

I don’t want to be lying on my death bed regretting choices I made in my life. I know I’ll be disappointed in myself if I just never progressed, if I settled. Maybe settling is okay for some people, but I’m definitely not one of those people. At the moment I just feel lost. I want to progress so badly but I don’t know where to start. A lot of people my age are at University but I don’t think that’s where I’m going to thrive. I know a lot of high paying jobs require University degrees but I’m not going to do something that doesn’t make me happy. It’s all about being happy at the end of the day. I’ve just got to figure out where I want my life to take me, what’s my end goal?

Until next time,

Meliss

P.S this was a freewrite & I haven't gone back and edited it, sorry for any terrible grammar.