Throughout my day, i tend to experience a magnitude of different experiences which cause me
to feel a certain way or express a certain emotion. At my baseline, i have extreme social anxiety, I thought that forcing myself into getting a job that entails communicating with an overwhelmingly large amount of people would eventually improve my state of mind over time.
I work in a Casino and the amount of potential variables which have the ability to dictate and determine the state of mind i am in while i work and even once my shift is over are frankly astounding and searching for and sinking into a flow state wherein i am able to establish the correct mindset to deal with the constant spontaneity of the casino environment is still difficult for me even after several years of working there. The expectation of being approached by people with mostly irritated, angry, and generally negative intentions is usually the default mindset when working, as a result of this, experiencing the very rare occurrence of an interaction with a not only polite, but beautiful and downright dreamlike individual is like getting a winning lottery ticket...and then lighting it on fire because my brain stops functioning when i come into contact with attractive females.
A couple nights ago, i was approached by what i would describe as my dream girl, drop dead gorgeous, Asian in appearance, and wearing a short black dress which accentuated her perfect figure and caused my heart rate to skyrocket past its already above average standard working rate. She asked me for directions to a certain bar within the complex, it was somewhat far away so after attempting to stutter my way through telling her where to go to, she said she was still confused and asked if i could show lead her there, I of course could not have said no even if i wanted to as this was part of my job. During the walk we chatted quite a bit, luckily she was very bubbly and despite my anxiety, her initiation of conversation and constant chatter allowed me to come across as a complete social retard. It was about a 5 minute walk and toward the end of it she got up real close to me and told me how nice it was for me to help her, and grabbed hold of my arm. Not wanting to breach any code of conduct (and more so because i was terrified) I did not respond in any other way other than verbally, telling her it was my pleasure to assist her in any way possible. As we approached the destination, the girl told me she wished she there were more guys as cute and gentlemen-like as me, and that i should come out and party with her after work.
Unfortunately that was not feasible as i had just started my shift, but just the fact that i had been heavily complimented by a girl who in my mind was absolutely unattainable made the rest of my shift fly by in a rush of bliss. Before we parted she essentially forced her phone number on me, I felt emotionally invincible for the rest of my shift, I couldn't believe what had just happened. All i could think about was that girl, it made me realize how starving i was for a relationship.
I am writing this about a week after the events of my shift, excited yet terrified of contacting this person, the window of opportunity of which has probably already closed. After the successful interaction, as the immediate euphoria wears off and the confidence disappears, the negative thoughts start to surface once again
Was she just drunk and was I just being naive in thinking she actually liked me?
What if she was just being nice because i went out of my way for her?
What if she thought maybe i'd get her into the bar for free by leading me on?
these are the kinds of thoughts that manifest through my social anxiety which haunt me and stop me from pursuing potential opportunities for happiness and relationships, and i feel like I've tried just about every approach to treat myself.
Thank you for reading my post and any philosophical recommendations or advice, whether it be conventional, unconventional, controversial, strange, or bizarre in its nature would be amazingly appreciated.