Life has never been easy and will never be. There are some experiences in your life that will change you for the better, or will make you see your unwanted shadows and be lost in the road... even forever.
July 02, 1997. A cute, chubby-cheeks and healthy baby arrived in this world; never knowing what the future could potentially bring leaning upon his mother's breast. I have both of my parents, but it seems like I've grown up in a family just alone with my two younger sisters.
I never imagined I planted so much hate in my heart that I can't even look at them directly in their eyes right up to these days.
It was a chaotic childhood.
As if nothing happened, he came home from school.
As if nothing happened, he went to school; and again.
There are no exact words to describe how desperate my childhood went like. Many times I asked myself that do they really love me? ...or just doing their responsibility as our guardians.
My parents have an extreme vision and dreams in life for us, they won't allow how hard it is to live in this world being uneducated. In that instance, I understood. But things never went as planned.
As early as 4 months old, I grew up then with my grandparents in the province. My parents are working in the city; I'll admit, our lives was really difficult at that time. They will just come once in a week bringing vitamins, foods and allowance for all the expenses for us. This continues until my youngest sister came. They arrive every Sunday morning or sometimes Saturday evening, and will be back to the city for work on Sunday evening. It is very often to have a full or more than of 24 hours of stay with us in a week. I know we're still lucky and blessed enough, but worse things happened.
My dad saw an opportunity that changed our way of living life today, he went abroad when I was still young. At that time, it was only our mom who stood out as our parents. She didn't stop work, my dad's salary was not that high. Same thing happened, she visits us once in a week. And as the time rolls, this hate of mine is created.
Our neighbors in the province and all the people who knew us always say how lucky we are for we have an abroad father and a working mother who could give anything we can ask. What a big lie. What they can see was just only our clean clothes and appearance.
We became a dog. I am the eldest, I became a servant. Servant not from the other people nor from my parents, but from the "people" where we stayed for the longest frame of our lives- our grandparents.
I was beaten up by their slack's belt, full of slaps in the face, foul words in almost every little mistakes I've made, and tremendous shoutings that even the other countryside could hear. The worst thing that I will never forget was that they tried to pack all of my things and throw away outside. I really cried loud as what I have remembered begging for them. That's why most of the time, I regret why I became the eldest before.
My mom never knew even a single thing about this. What in the world could she probably know that she'll just stay with us in one day in a week? ...or 4 days in a month? And my father is in thousands of miles from us? Nothing. What she can see are just the traces of the belt in my body.
This continue until high school, but my personality really affected. I mean, I became disciplined and not ill for what they've done. Imagine like a dog. They have snatched the time of my childhood, I played but playing safe in case I can do wrong things. I became weak. I was bullied in school and mis-disciplined in our home.
Little by little, it became hate and depression.
Now both of my parents know all of what we've been through, and they're flooding tears regretting themselves. But it was all a lesson in life.
It's been almost 10 years now, and I thought it faded away. I was wrong. It became trauma and thank goodness, it didn't make me crazy. I understood they treated us the way their parents before treated them. But it is very incorrect. I regret myself today how I became weak before. What else a child can do under their big hands? Nothing.
It's so sad how my childhood went like. I can still feel the pain of my suffering before. I love them, but I hate them; or I hate myself for being so weak?
All of my tears are all of my packed lessons now.
Now that I realize that it was extremely wrong way of discipline, I want to tell you to please open your eyes. You'll never know how much pain I have suffered unless you're on my feet.
I learned that life can be taught in cycles. My grandparents, maybe, their parents have treated them the way they treated us. And for sure, my father also experienced the same thing. But my father is far different from them.
I understood the meaning of life, however; I learned the word "love" in my own.
I am learning to forgive, but the hate still lives in my heart. I can't resist. I am sorry.
To the Community
I know the Government is working so hard to make this place a better one, but sometimes I questioned them to why they neglect the focus of the family side. They are conducting seminars for family, children, etc. but aren't all effective? I mean, if my grandparents have attended those ones, at least, they'll know what they're doing.
....
Thank you for reading guys. I hope I opened your eyes.
I can't thank enough familyprotection and teardrops for voice-outing my inner self.
Please don't put hate, just love.
