I use to hear the quick remarks of “You don’t really understand because you’re not a parent”; however, in my ignorance those words often cut me deep. After all, I have three pieces of paper which attest to the fact that I have spend a significant amount of time studying children and families in school. Never mind the countless hours that I have spent reflecting on my practice, thinking about families and trying to better understand everything I can on children and parenting.
I felt misunderstood and undervalued. I felt judged for something I really had no control over. Most of all, I felt like my passion, expertise, and knowledge were being undermined.
I have never carried and raised a child of my own, for a variety of reasons and also for no concrete reasons at all. That is just the way that life has gone for me. Instead, I have been gifted with the most amazing stepchild.
I am pretty sure that all parents think that their kid is the best but I really do have the best one. She is smart, funny, kind, inquisitive, empathetic, sensitive, loving and so much more that cannot be described in such simple terms. She is the kind of kid that you want to hang out with, that actually makes you laugh and challenges you in the best ways.
Becoming a parent happened both slowly and overnight. It made me realize things about children and parenting that I did not before. I had the concept and plenty of knowledge, but I hadn’t really lived it. I had not actually had to prepare three healthy meals a day plus snacks, or make sure that someone else had clean clothes to wear when they kept growing out of them.
I think I always imagined that I would probably be a pretty stellar parent since I had so much experience with children. I understand what children need to thrive on so many levels. But I am NOT the best parent. I am just an average parent like everyone else.
I do have outrageous levels of understanding and patience. I am able to connect with her in unique ways because of my knowledge and my abilities to be reflective. I recognize that I have many strengths and areas where I excel at this whole parenting thing. And bless her soul because she finds small ways to make me know I am doing alright and that I make her feel special, powerful, and important.
But I am not doing the best or even close to the best. I mess up all the time. Many times when I reflect on what I have said or didn’t say, did or did not do, I find myself lacking. There are moments when I can see her getting frustrated with me or when she is feeling unseen or unheard. I am not some evil step-mother, but I make mistakes — many, many mistakes! If I am honest with myself, I am certain that I make at least one mistake every single day.
So, I am a normal parent. We all make mistakes. No amount of education or working with children was going to prepare me for this job. There is no level of expertise that I can perfect. She will keep getting older and I will keep having to relearn how to be the best parent that I can for the growing, changing person that she is. Parenting seems to be a job that you can never get “right”.
Thankfully, my actual expertise in the field has kept me grounded and allows me to be gentle on myself. I know parents, children and families. It’s what I do and it’s what I love. And I know, that even though we all make mistakes, our children are forgiving. They aren’t petty or keeping track of our little moments of weakness and failures. They hold onto the overall picture — do we love them, are we there for them, are they our world — most of the time.
While they may look at us as superhuman, they are also able to see the humanity in us. They don’t demand perfection. They only demand that we keep on trying and that we make it our mission to do our best. So far, every parent I have met is doing exactly that: They are doing the best they know how with the information, knowledge and skills that they have and most are constantly trying to improve upon that and do better.
So now I understand what I couldn’t have possibly understood before: Parenting is recognizing that we often don’t know and can’t do it all but we will keep on trying for the sake our kids. We will bend the world if we have to, even if we will worry that perhaps we could have bent it differently or should have let them bend it themselves. It is growing from all the worrying and learning everyday. It is never enough time or words, but always enough tears and fears. It is the little routines and the spontaneous moments. It is even the moments when you realize you were not at your best. It is everything and it is life. It is so hard yet one of a kind beautiful.
Yet, I also know that I still don’t truly know. I never carried this child in my body. I know she has a whole team of parents and caregivers. I am not doing this on my own and I get many hours off each week. I don’t know everyone’s experience, I only know mine. While that makes me slightly more able to empathize, I will never be able to walk in anyone else’s shoes.
Perhaps what I didn’t understand all along was myself because that is all that changed what I became a parent. I changed and I keep changing every day.
My ability to truly understand another parent’s experience has been enhanced, but it is will forever be missing information. I cannot truly understand another person’s life because I can never live all the intricacies of that life. I can only listen and perhaps I will continue to widen my ability to understand others’ experiences — which are each equally as unique, complex, and beautiful as my own.
Becoming a parent has taught me many things and will continue to challenge me every day. It pushes me further and harder than I ever imagined. But I cannot say, “I am a now parent so I understand.” I’m still figuring it all out and I imagine so are you. That is what binds us. That is what it is to be human, regardless of if we have children or not.
These two videos speak to my experiences of parenting and working hard to figure out how to be the best possible parent, while also remembering to be kind to myself. I will keep trying to let go of perfection, while also feeling like she deserves it, but knowing she will be amazing despite me never achieving it.
https://www.ted.com/talks/jennifer_senior_for_parents_happiness_is_a_very_high_bar?language=en
https://www.ted.com/talks/glen_henry_what_i_ve_learned_being_a_stay_at_home_dad?language=en