I might drop a few spoilers,but who gives a $h!t, it was terrible
Went to see Transformers: The Last Samurai over the weekend and let’s just say it wasn’t particularly memorable. Not many times have I felt like walking out of a film. I just sat in my chair bored, fidgeting, and waiting for something interesting to happen; hoping that this one would be different.
So, how many have they made now? What is it? Number four or five, I am seriously unsure! They are just a bunch of films that look exactly the same; they have about as much finesse as a three-year-old playing with Duplo and about the same level of creative imagination as a horny fifteen-year-old.
It started off well - I am a fan of Arthurian legend - the opening was of a battle between King Arthur and his knights of the round table and the Saxons. It kind of reminded me of the opening scene of The Gladiator, EPIC! But then Stanley Tucci’s character came onscreen, the stereotypical accent of a Brit; “fancy coming over for a cup of tea?” was on the tip of his tongue during his short scene. Felt like a failed attempt of a homage to Monty Python. Then blah blah happened, explosion, blah blah explosion explosion blah diddy blah. Don’t remember. Somehow they fell in love. Roll credits… And that was it.
What seems to be most annoying for many people is the lack of screen time for the Transformers and this is no different. Surely with the title of the film being TRANSFORMERS, you would think its title character would be at least a Transformer, but no. Instead, we follow a boring character played by Mark Walberg. A 2D character that added nothing to the film. I like Walberg, Three Kings is a great film, but most of the issue with this film comes with the plot. It just dropped us in the middle. Why were the Autobots on the run? Did they not save the world numerous of times? It would have been better if the film was actually a battle between THE AUTOBOTS and the bad guy; rather than a battle between Walberg, a bunch of soldiers and one or two Transformers versus… ermmm who was the bad guy again? The lady… Who was that? Do I have to wiki it? This shows just how unmemorable the whole thing was! Better yet, I would love to see more about the culture of the Transformers. I remember in the brilliant Transformers: The Movie from 1986, Unicron in that was amazing!
In this atrocity, Walberg was also followed about by his typical ragtag crew of “I don’t remember their names”. They just followed him about dodging explosion after… snore… Marky Mark is also ridiculously pliable; he allows that annoying teenage kid to follow him wherever he goes; car crashes, bombs going off, people dying and bullets whizzing pass their heads, and her screaming “I wanna stay and fight…” He also follows the butler robot in a plane, because of the terrible “you are the chosen one” cliché. Jeeeezz, that robot didn’t even need to bring out his photos of little puppies.
I didn’t expect much, “yer seen one, yer seen them all”. However, you go to a Transformer movie, you want to see Optimus Prime! (Don’t get me started on his fooking lips) BUT HE IS HARDLY IN IT. Prime gets brainwashed by the bad “I don’t remember her name” guy, and starts fighting his friends. Then, after gaining his senses, there is a scene where he gives his charismatic speech “I will always defend the humans and my friends…snore” That speech had about as much charisma as a used condom and was over just as quick as a virgin in bed.
However, (MAJOR SPOILER) quite possibly the most annoying thing in the whole film was who the Last Knight ended up being, none other than Mark “Marky ‘f#ck#ng’ Mark” Walberg. Totally ridiculous…
One glimmer of hope is that Michael Bay won’t be directing the up-and-coming Bumblebee film. Let’s certainly hope that the Bumblebee film won’t do a Hobbit on us Peter Jackson style.
That being said, in the black hole that be YouTube, I did come across this interesting take on Michael Bay as a film director and why he might secretly be a genius. Their argument was that his films are a satirical look at modern culture. I shall leave them to explain it better, but it is worth a watch!
So, that is my rant done! I felt bitter after leaving that cinema and hope that you read this before it is too late. Nevertheless, like most of us with these big blockbuster films we just get suckered in and then we have already bought the popcorn and are sitting in our cinema seats hoping for an improvement on the last one… Do they have salty popcorn here?
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Until next time,
The Monkey that be Joshua
(Image was from google)