First of all, I'm not into blogging.. Never was. Never took the time to sit down and write something.. N-E-V-E-R.
This is going to be a work in progress, I'll probably be editing to write stuff as I'm going through this process.
Let's go for a little background story : it all started in september '11. I was 26yo back then, she was 20. She was young, cute, smart, full of energy, funny.. She got it all ! I was surprised that someone like that would even consider dating me knowing that I was miles away.. we were 9 hours flight apart.
We had our ups and our downs as in every relationship that is challenged by time, distance.. and (wait for it) her bipolar.
She had bipolar disorder, that she refuses to treat.. that is most of the time manageable.. but it certain cases and times, just blurs her vision.. and blurs our relationship along with it. But even though we were challenged, we always kinda managed to get back together by a way or another.. (usually me being super consistent in my : Imma win her back mission)
Last year, we broke it off for a couple of months.. She was sick of dating a "phone" and we basically had not plan to help us live together. All we knew is that we cared for each other, we loved each other very much.. but we were running out of ideas to be physically together..
We somehow managed to get back together after a couple of months of almost no contact.. we were back to being that cute couple that could chat for hours that we once were, until a couple of weeks ago. We discovered that we had some sort of different point of views concerning a couple of "important" things : basically, religion.
Im religious myself, nothing too crazy.. but I do have some beliefs.. She used to share my beliefs when we started dating.. but as time goes by.. she starts being more and more liberal.. believes less.. and doesn't see herself raising a family with a couple of religious principles that matters to me.
From her perspective, no one should "influence" a kid with religious stuff whether it is Christmas, Ramadan or Hannukah.. If I was atheist, I wouldn't mind the concept. But since, i'm not. It bothers me a little.
Anyway, long story short, we had a talk that popped up out of blue yesterday, that basically ended up with.. She doesn't see herself coming back to her home country anytime soon.. She wants to pursue her dreams, and try to do something with this new field she got into. (acting, after getting a lawschool degree.. She's now working on a master in acting, theater stuff ...)
I, myself, told her that I've been thinking a lot about her "non-religiousness" and how it bothered me to start a family knowing that..
It was a pretty nice talk, we were being adults about it.. no screaming, no shouting, no one was being mean, no sarcasm was detected ..
But now, hours later. I feel like shit about it. The issues that i'm having with her are pretty big (how to raise a family / kids .. ) but a 6 years relationship is quite big. It's obviously my longest relationship.. I know that in the long run, this relationship showed that it's definitely not working.. But still, I can't help think of her, miss her and basically want to get back with her (once again)
There's also a voice in my head that keeps telling me : Listen man, you've been going through these break ups, getting back together cycles so many times with her in the past years.. What are you stressing about ? Just chill, things we'll get better and you'll get back together if that's what is meant to be.
Ugh. I hate this feeling. I hate it more now that I'm pretty sure that if, let's say, we end up together. We both won't be happy unless one of us changes his mind about "deep life stuff". and that's the big difference between this break up and the other ones.
We usually break up because she's sick of the distance. This time, we're breaking it off because she's sick of the distance and because we feel that we're not that good of a match afterall.. We have different views on a bunch of stuff..
Ugh. sorry for the long rant. I needed to vent I guess.. Hate myself / my life right now.