The Journey of Life, The Word of Life! - Life is like a journey, and the journey of life is full of twists and turns. Sometimes the road we travel smoothly without a hitch. But not infrequently the road we passed meandering, rocky and steep. So it is with my life. I am a young adult young man struggling with homosexuality.
I was born into a complete family and I am grateful for that. It's just that my family is less emotionally warm. My father is a hard worker. He is a very active entrepreneur working. The days in his life were spent on work. Seven days a week he runs his business. He was among the men in charge of the family. And my father's hard work was done to ensure the fulfillment of our family's needs. This good intentions did not always have a good effect on me. Unconsciously busy in work makes me rarely interact with him. As I recall from small until now we very rarely play together. Or just do activities together like father and child in general. In addition he is also very rarely verbally to express my affection to me or just give advice and support when I need it. For example, when it was time for the filial report cards to be picked up during primary school, he was often late for my report card or did not even come because he was too busy working.
In contrast to my rather passive father, my mother was just a dominant and protective person. I am quite close to my mother. Most of the support and attention I got from him. It's just that his attitude is sometimes a bit excessive. For example, when I was a kid, I was forbidden to hang around with people outside my family. Especially those who are not a tribe with me. My mother is worried that I will be affected by the bad things that these people have. This makes me somewhat isolated from the outside world, especially the male world.
I myself do not have a brother or a male figure I can sample as a child. I was blessed with two sisters, they were both close enough to me. Although when I was a kid they used to love me. It's just fun sometimes too. Let's say they like to dress women's clothes to me. In addition they also like to dress me like a woman. Not infrequently I play cooking and doll-bonekaan with them. But it is unfortunate that our parents seldom reprimand me or my sister when that happens.
Whether we realize it or not, it is my family background that makes the feelings of attraction towards same-sex appear. I feel the need for a figure who can protect, protect, lead and also direct me. Unfortunately, this need is not fulfilled in my life.
My father, who was supposed to give the first example of how to be a real man, did not do well. The absence of that figure is coupled with my mother's treatment which indirectly closes my path to interact and mingle with the outside world, especially the male world. Not only there, the treatment of my two sisters made me more and more confused gender. This is certainly not good for the development of a child's identity. Confusion ... maybe that's the most appropriate word to describe it.
Without a moment of time went on, year after year passed ... and I began to grow into adolescence. Happiness and inner conflict continue to happen within me. On the one hand, I know that no religion agrees with homosexuality. But on the other hand I can not get rid of those feelings. The more I try to get rid of the feeling, the stronger the feeling of attraction is. I am very confused, do not know where to tell. I was embarrassed about what I was going through. I am afraid - if for example I tell others - they will insult and reject me.
I am just very confused with what I experienced, especially if I have to accept the insult and rejection again. To the extent that I think this problem will I keep myself, even to death no one will ever know except me and God. Cries and tears adorned those days. Even I am negotiating with God ... "Lord, may make me more stupid or worse, as long as I'm not gay, God. God I do not want to have this feeling, I've not strong nahannya. Keep what else I live ... "
Taste-my tears have dried up at that time ... every night work just crying and crying .. grew fate and stuck in self-pity attitude. No place to lean ... no place to run. I feel alone, I am lonely ... Feelings of confusion and loneliness push me to find out what is going on inside me. Then I started looking for literature on homosexuality through books, magazines, internet, and so on.
In addition, I realized that at the time I did not have the full qualities a man should have - such as courage, leadership, protection and initiative - I began to look for those qualities in others who were also fellow men, who I think have those qualities - both physically, emotionally, socially and sexually.
I also started watching pornography, masturbating and also having sex with fellow men. When I first did it, I was disgusted with myself and I felt very guilty to God. I knew that the act I was doing was a sin before God but I could not resist the passion that was so passionate in my chest. Again, maybe just a teardrop that knows what I feel at that moment. I am very disappointed with myself. I am sad to do that, I am sad to disappoint God. But I have no power ... I even feel my life is useless. It was all black and dark ... As if there was no way out of all the chaos I experienced ... All those activities did not satisfy my deepest needs! Want to turn to God. But is it possible .. Could God want to take me back?
A saying goes "It's dark out of light". The saying seems to be true, it was not always the sky in my life dark. After the overcast and heavy rainfall, God brought a beautiful rainbow in my life. As time went on, my mind began to be opened by God. I began to open what went wrong all this time. It seems that I only rely on my own strengths for so long, I have not rely on God completely. It then encouraged me to make Jesus my Lord and Savior. In addition I also ask for forgiveness from God and ask God to forgive my sins and my guilt.
A sense of peace began to emerge in my life. Slowly I began to feel as lonely as I used to be. Without my awareness I began to openly open up sharing what I experienced to others. It turns out that the response they provide is not as bad as I thought ... Some are able to accept my condition as it is, but some are still not able to accept my condition as it is. But for me it's okay, I can understand their incomprehension. In short humans may be able to reject me but it is important that God does not reject me.
Nevertheless not all runs smoothly, there remains a process of falling in it. God does provide a guarantee for the salvation of life and also the forgiveness of sins, but the change from the old way of life to the new way of life is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand. It still takes a long, sometimes painful, time and process. I need the grace, the help and the strength of God. Yet God also wants me to have the determination and self-discipline if I really want to change. Thanks to God, He continues to support me patiently and faithfully. Through learning the Word of God, praying, fellowship activities as well as literature review, I began to abandon my old way of life. The truth for the truth begins to be revealed, the old mindset changed. Without my awareness, there are many people who continue to support and pray for me. Gratitude to God, I began to forgive the mistakes of both parents and also my older siblings. I feel more peaceful, I also know how I should look and accept myself. Now I live in a new identity in God.
So what about the feelings of same-sex attraction? Does the feeling of attraction fade away? Apparently not! The feeling remained. It's just that the feelings begin to diminish and are not as distracting as ever. So does this make me disappointed? Apparently not. He remains God. He is sovereign over everything that happens in my life. So when the same kind of attraction arises, I do not want to be trapped by Satan's seductive persuasion that tries to make me doubt the sovereignty, justice and God's faithfulness. My eyes must be fixed on Him. I also do not want to get caught in a situation of self-pity. God never plays dice, He is never wrong.
One thing I must remember when the same kind of attraction arises: I must realize that I will never get true satisfaction through anyone but God! The satisfaction given by human beings is only temporary, only God can really fulfill my longings fully and also full. Yes, it is only God who is able to meet the masculine qualities that are still lacking it.
Surely all must go through the process as well as time. It requires strong determination, self-discipline and a good personal relationship with God. Do not forget also to avoid things that can make me go back to the old way of life. Such as avoiding pornography, masturbation and so forth. These are the things I must do in my new journey of life.
I believe there is no coincidence in this world. Including when I experience this same-sex attraction. It is through this same fellow attraction that I personally begin to know God and also learn to be humble and to rely on God. I'm sure everything that happens in my life is under God's control. Although I have not been able to fully see God's plan, I believe all that is given to me is the best.
It may sound naive ... but here's the fact. This is what I experienced real in my life and this is what I can share with you. Live now will we trust, obey and be faithful to Him step by step? All the answers go back to each of us.