Hi Steemit,
I have such a hard time finding starting points for my story and I’m often starting my explanations in the middle of it and working my way around in time from there, forwards or backwards.
I have these…meltdowns. I think that’s the best way to describe them, what happens to me. How the magic gets activated and I do what I do …magically disarming stuff. In some ways you could consider me highly dysfunctional, or managing that. I guess I am an expert at silver linings or making the most out of adversity.
As I entered the doorway of my first Saturn Return (22 years ago) and my healing path in life I began a process of spiritual and emotional processing. That is, I would go deep into an altered or psychic state and access memories or experiences from my past. Sometimes they were early life memories and sometimes they were memories of a past life. They were mostly traumatic, and I believe them to have been the basis or emotional blueprint for disease. It seems to me that everyone has them and that these issues are the ones that have followed us from life to life and prevent us from growth and evolution.
I would mostly just sit and cry. It still happens.
It was sad, parts of it…all the things I had to look at. But I managed to keep the process separate in a sense from my normal daily consciousness of interaction with the people around me. It was definitely paranormal, and I did not want my children to ever feel it was their fault, when they would see it happen. Also it was so fascinating…the things I would learn and see. I would talk with my husband and children about all of it. It seemed very normal to me at the time although that has changed somewhat. I think as a child going off by myself and shedding tears was a way to self medicate, get better, and face life again. Emotional stress is a ‘thing’ and you know this well if you are an empath.
I still have visions every day! I would go into this state … “see” events or situations often from history, see my own role, if I were there or if I were not there but having other parallel experiences, and I would just sit and bawl my eyes out over it all. I used to think of it as processing the negative emotions that arose from difficult experiences but weren't dealt with at the time, and I would see it as a way to recover lost parts of myself. I did not know about Indigos for the longest time, but after my breakdown I discovered a group on Facebook and I was able to compare notes with other people who had similar experiences. The ‘tears’ thing is different though, specifically connected to angel work, I think. Also perhaps a Pisces Saturn. I found a parallel to a friend I met on Facebook who would have similar experiences. When he would hold out his hands and touch sick people, he would pray, and the tears would just flow down his cheeks. It is very similar with me.
It is so ironic, looking back now. I remember when I was working for the FDIC back in the late 1990’s I would ask God to please be my employer, and find a good way to use me and whatever gifts I had in service to the grand scheme as I was not happy with my job. It has been like solving a gigantic puzzle of who I am and how everything works and how it all fits together and what it means. The secret of life and the number 42, ha ha. Only its all broken. Working my way back in time I fix it as I go, or I work ‘energy problems’ that are problems for all of us, me included. My physical body is tied up in it all somehow and I believe that doing this work has kept me alive. But my body seems to manifest parallels to things going on ‘out there’ as reflections for the planet. One of my past life memories was that I WAS the Earth’s consciousness at the time of Atlantis and the memory was right before the shifts happened. I am still sorting that one out.
I don’t want this to sound like the wrong kind of dramatic! I’m always worried about what people will think of me. The things I look for or tend to see are things that move my tears…almost ALWAYS. But I think the process of giving myself space to safely process my emotions keeps me sane, and it protects my relationships with people around me, rather than being a problem. I guess I am remembering a comment someone I know made once about me being unreasonable and I’m not sure if he really thinks that or not. I can’t help being this way and because of it or as a reflection of it, I have magical abilities. Maybe its a trade off. I used to think (in Right Use of Will terminology) that your ability to feel ‘dark’ emotions was a reflection of your ability to experience the good ones also – Love, in the highest sense. Maybe its up to us slightly non human/human hybrid beings to deal with these problems because it is not possible for ‘normal’ humans to do it … the forces involved are just too big and too crazy. For me, I feel as if I am always clearing pain out of a dimension of time space that is heartbound and reflective of my home. Moving tears is a relief or a release for me. I heal and make things safe. I also believe that processing pain in its right place or context (that is, the mind gets to understand it as the body experiences it - this is a major source of lost consciousness on Earth, I feel) ... it helps your physical body deal with pain far easier than it otherwise would. So maybe I’m working on a different view of my unreasonable-ness. I have to say also that I am peace loving but I tend to be very direct. After my breakdown I lost my sense of humor for awhile there, but thank God it is back... I do laugh often and it saves me.
So I mentioned my physical body, being part of this. I believe that is the case for all of the 144k, the Indigo Stewards of this planet. I see us in the current reality paradigm as 12 x 12 (thousand) individuals who somehow make up ‘the Body and Blood of Christ’ … whether we want to, or not! We are lenses that somehow protect or were meant to protect the land and the life on it. My husband used to say, ‘there is only one organism on Earth and that is DNA.’ So if we are all connected as part of the One, we are here to heal its Body – Creation, ourselves, the World. It is part of our life contract and we are the universe’s master healers and we came here at this time on Earth, for a reason.
I say this as I am discovering my own masterful healing abilities. I say it not out of ego but out of honestly earned self love, which is a focus right now with the Sun in Taurus, and has been popping up for all of us over the last couple of years. Your own self love and sense of self worth will save you. Honestly, the greatest contribution you can make toward world peace, is to love yourself. Then give yourself permission to be who you are - an expert at the things you are masterful at. Give yourself permission to have or be able to obtain the answers you need, rather than waiting for Earthly leadership to tell you what the truth is. Set an example and be a leader! The world and our children need more examples of positive leadership. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!
I’m all over the place here, sorry. I keep trying to focus on the physical body. As it turns out, I’m a cancer survivor and sorting out genetic code has been a huge part of my healing process. I believe that DNA is our access to the Akashic Records of your own being, and there are subjective ways to tap in and view the information they contain, and resolve your issues that are most likely, far bigger than just this life. Cancer is such a huge issue right now for Planet Earth and it is part of the picture we knew we were coming here to rescue. As scary as that may be for people, it is also how we are going to find ourselves and that’s what we wanted and what we get out of the deal. Full Consciousness.
So I deal with the realities of Cancer on a daily basis, but at the core of all that was a brain injury from early childhood. If you are like me, it might seem to you like you have supersoldier genes in that you have a lot of issues or trauma that go beyond what the status quo considers normal. Its real. Years after I had been ‘doing the work’ I had found SEVEN near death experiences. It started with me dying on the operating table for a routine Tonsilectomy when I was seven years old and there were two before that one and four after it. I had no idea these things had happened to me until I started processing my life, but the evidence was there that I was not making it up.
What am I trying to say
in this long drizzle of words and thoughts today?
I was talking about my brain injury at the core of my body’s healing issues. I had this PTSD breakdown four and a half years ago and right after it happened things in my mental space became very LOUD. I thought they were loud before, ha ha. What I understand is, my right side experienced an injury that literally shut off a lot of my brain’s natural function and I had been working on healing the issues for many years. The brain is fascinating – it has the ability to reroute and duplicate functions from one side to the other and ‘work’ despite many problems! I think my right brain got well enough to start functioning again on its own and it was as if a part of me suddenly came alive. I had a terrible time with anxiety!
One of my early life memories was that I would have been a left handed child, but due to this brain injury I became a righty. Sometimes I experience confusion in the center of my head with direction, it’s hard to explain. But ever since my breakdown I have developed a speech impediment that may have been part of childhood autism. Now in moments of stress or nerves, or when I meet someone new that has never been on my timeline before, it comes up and I start stammering or stuttering, or I might get stuck and not be able to find the words I’m looking for in my memory banks. Somehow in my head I have the idea that some of this writing will lead to meeting people in person and making new friends and so I guess this is a heads up of what to expect. At this point in my life I am generally NOT shy at all, but faced with new situations, who can say? When my speech starts to trip itself up, I get very self conscious.
I’ve been sitting here writing this for the last couple of hours and I am running out of gas. Mostly I was thinking about Sam Hofman's disclosure about his ... transition into the ranks of elite Intel from his teenage years (according to a recent video of his I shared) and it got me thinking of my own story to share. I expect there are people reading this who understand what all I am talking about here, or that I may be meeting soon in person.
More soon but for now I am taking a break.
Namaste