Self-compassion, also referred to as self-love, is one of the most important elements of our human existence, and also one of the most ignored.

Without self-compassion, there can be only limited love and compassion towards others. I have seen this come true time and time again.

This fact is all the more painful when it presents in caring and lovely people who really want to help the people around them. Until they have learnt to exercise self-compassion, they do not have the strength to love in the way they could.

Self-love gives us the power and strength to truly love others

Because the act of self-love is the first step in unlocking our spiritual health, it leads onto a long list of benefits:

• Reduced stress
• Happiness that isn’t dependent on others
• Attraction of better life opportunities and relationships
• Awareness of habits, self, and health
• Improved personal relationships
• Ability to take all forms of criticism
• Access to loving honesty
• Rapid ability to rewire behavioural structures in our self
• A closer view of reality, seeing reality rather than the reality we convince ourself of
• Ultimately, more freedom from hurt than we have ever known

This is an obvious set of benefits that I have composed within a couple of minutes thought, the order is the rough order that I encountered them as I began to treat myself with self-love and compassion. The first 5 came quickly, the rest took some time. Documenting the steps on how I followed this path is the aim of all of my writing.

How to exercise self-compassion/self-love

Tools

A basic level of mindfulness is required to undertake tasks where we are seeking truths about our own selves. The Samatha-Vipassana breathing exercise is one of the most convenient, easiest and effective tools, but there is no wrong way to practice mindfulness as long as we are not controlled by wants. I wrote a short guide to this here.

Here are 5 steps for strengthening self-compassion, and a funny picture

1) Set aside time to practice self-compassion

Find yourself 15 minutes to focus on practicing self-love. It requires a very different mode of operation and it always takes time to step into the right frame of mind to practice it. Remember, the worse we are behaving, the more love we need.

2) Surrender control

In this present moment, we do not control the past, and we only marginally control the future. The only place our present-selves have any influence is in the present moment. Accepting this lack of control makes it easier to forgive, it makes no sense to punish our present-self for something that occurred in the past, even if it was the past-self that caused it. If we could punish the past-self then it would make more sense, but we can’t, that self is dead and gone. If we can love ourselves and accept the past, if we can surrender our want to control everything around us, then we have an opportunity to learn. If we give ourselves this opportunity, then we can focus our energy on learning and feeling love in the present moment. We will become stronger.

3) Reserve judgement

Exercising judgement is a highly sophisticated and complicated action, I will cover the details of this in a later article. For now, know that judgement distorts reality, how we feel will actively shape the way we view the world. When we are on a quest for acceptance, judgement will not serve us.

Try to avoid doing this

4) Accept your feelings and your thoughts

Our mind has minds of its own. Feelings and thoughts are outside of our immediate control, the types of thoughts and our responses to feelings are formed by years and years of existence. These are a result of the past, which as we know, is beyond the control of our present-self. We don’t have to identify with all of our thoughts and feelings, but we do need to accept that they are there. Those we love, we love completely, “warts and all”, we need this all embracing love also.

5) Accept and Forgive past actions

We all have flaws, and we have all been responsible for things we wish had not happened. Accept that these things have happened, strive to accept that this is a trait that sometimes appear, now try to forgive yourself for these things. We will try to improve and change things in ourselves, always, but part of loving ourself is forgiving ourself, and this is required before we can hope to change.

I hope this article has left you feeling motivated enough to tackle this practice. Most people discover this later in life, and everyone admits that it would have benefited them sooner.

^{The amazing BK}

Part 1, which covers general concepts of outwards compassion can be found here.

@newandold and my Facebook page

Further reading. I came across an excellent and in-depth article about self-compassion during research for this piece. If you are so inclined to read research articles, I would recommend it. http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/empirical.article.pdf

^{Cover image credit}