Warning: not for sensitive stomachs
Last week, my turn finally came to have my five minutes of the surgeon's tender mercies: it was gastroscope day. I arrived at 07:15 and set about trying to get my file. Someone turned up at the file window a little before 08:00 and eventually I was told that my file was on its way, I should go and get in the queue to pay.
Seen in the bathroom
Eventually, the clerk called my name and I paid and went up to the ward around 09:00, where more waiting ensued and then it was my turn. Someone said to me beforehand that "it's nothing major, you just have to swallow the camera" Hmmmm.....
First, the doctor sprayed a little local anaesthetic into my mouth, gave me this plastic ring to bite on and told me to lie on my side. Out came the torture device camera, looking more like a car clutch-cable with a light on the end than anything else and the doctor proceeded to start feeding it down my throat, triggering my gag reflex in no small way. They have this all figured out: there's a nurse by your side with her hand on your face to hold you down as you start gagging and then retching as that infernal device makes its way down. As if that isn't bad enough, the camera includes an air line that inflates the stomach so the doctor can inspect you thoroughly. Add lots of belching to the retching and the experience becomes unforgettable. This is a procedure that used to be done under general anaesthetic and I can understand why.
At least the the torture was over in about 5 minutes and the verdict: I don't have an ulcer but I do have a small hiatus hernia. I was told to avoid all the acid-causing foods and not lie down with a full stomach or eat before bedtime and given a script for antacids to take the pharmacy. I gratefully escaped with a numb mouth and throat.
By now, I had learned my lesson: straight to the pharmacy for a queue number, then off to book a follow-up appointment and finally, go and find some food and then back to sit in the queue. I wasn't allowed to have breakfast or even tea or coffee before the procedure and I was hungry and hoped that eating something might help my stomach feel less violated. Of course, the hospital cafeteria closed down some months ago so I had to walk down the road to find a roadside stall selling fruit and snacks.
Mercifully, the pharmacy queue was being processed quickly and I got my medication after one and a half hours and was out of the hospital and on the way home within 4 hours of having arrived. I don't know if that procedure feels any less disgusting when performed in a private healthcare setting but the cost was about 1% of what I would have paid a cheap private clinic so beggars can't be choosers, I suppose.
If you're wondering what all that was about, you can read more hospital adventures here:
https://steemit.com/life/@nikv/tales-of-grim-humour-i-ve-been-to-casualty
https://steemit.com/life/@nikv/dispatches-from-hell-next-chapter-in-the-hospital-saga